


Tattoos

by lenaprr



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, hisoillu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2019-09-20 19:19:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 36,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17028492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenaprr/pseuds/lenaprr
Summary: Your soulmate tattoos can only be seen by you and your soulmate. Occasionally, people reject their soulmate once they've found them... Illumi happens to reject Hisoka. But Machi would never allow that.(university au)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Paige](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paige/gifts), [vic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vic/gifts), [Emi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emi/gifts).



Everyone developed tattoos. They changed and molded throughout your life, matching your soulmate's personality. The tattoos ranged throughout your bodyUniversity that only you and your soulmate could see. There were way too many interpreters trying to help find your soulmate. What bullshit.

Hisoka looks at his tattoos, they didn’t change much. The black tattoos circle his biceps, patterns of only a few different things. Whoever his soulmate was, they sure liked needles. Of course, like anyone else, Hisoka tried to decipher the tattoos. Not with some interpreter, since they can’t even see it. Hisoka wanted to figure out the tattoos himself.

Only you and your soulmate can see your tattoos. Hisoka longed for that day. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy either. Tattoos weren’t always in visible places like Hisoka’s. For all he knows, his soulmates tattoos could be around their leg or on their back or somewhere he’ll never see.

Hisoka mutters under his breath and stands up. He desperately wanted to meet his soulmate. To spoil them. To make them feel on top of the world. A knock on his bedroom door has him break from his thoughts and he answers.

Gon is standing there, eyebrows raised. “Thought you were walking me to school,” Gon gives him a side-eyed look. 

“Right,” Hisoka rolls his eyes at the teenage boy. He walks Gon out. Hisoka and Gon enjoyed their daily walks, taking Gon to his annoying little high school only a little ways away from the university Hisoka attended. 

Hisoka and Gon met on… Interesting terms. But became friends pretty quickly, despite the age difference. Gon was like a little brother to Hisoka now, no matter whether the kid liked it or not. Besides, not that Gon couldn’t stand up for himself, but no one dared mess with Gon while they knew how close he was with Hisoka. Gon gave Hisoka some purpose, as silly as that sounds.

“Okay kid,” Hisoka nods. “Got some super rich kids coming in, from some fashion school. Sound stupid or what?”

“I mean, if they help you with your fashion sense, I think they’re pretty smart.” Gon retorts.

“Why don’t you look in a mirror,” Hisoka responds dryly. “Anyway, I agreed to show them around town. You up to going tonight?”

“Sure,” Gon hums in response and the bell to his school rings. “Catch ya later,” he runs off. 

Hisoka dejectedly walks back to their place. He didn’t exactly want to take these people around tonight. He’d rather spend the Friday night at the club. He only agreed because of how well they were paying. It astonished him that these people were willing to pay so much for some random university student to show them around town.

A university student studying performance… He guesses fashion designers can go with a student in the performing arts. 

Maybe they’d make him something to show their gratitude… Hisoka snickers at the idea as he enters his and Gon’s apartment. Deciding he should look decent for the fashion kids. Hisoka applies his normal makeup, eyeliner that could cut and his traditional teardrop and star, one on each cheek. He pulls a beanie over his hair he didn’t feel like styling up for the day. He glances over himself in the mirror. Hisoka looked… Hipster. He felt it was a bit of a performance kids attire. He had black ripped jeans with an oversized hoodie, a plain button up shirt poking out underneath. Hisoka could clean up nice…

He gives himself a devilish smile in the mirror and checks the time. Still, so much time to kill… Ugh.

***  
Gon comes back home only to change, seeming to also want to get a good impression on the rich kids. Not that the kid has much of a fashion sense. Dark green sweats and a too big white t-shirt wasn’t gonna cut it, not that Hisoka was going to be the one to tell him otherwise.

“We’re meeting them at their hotel,” Hisoka tells Gon, slipping his wallet into his pocket. 

The two only need to walk to the hotel… Only the most expensive hotel in the city. They exchange glances as they walk in, heading to the room number Hisoka was texted. He had been in contact with a man named Illumi, the guy was his age and hardly specified anything over text. Just super boring and basic stuff. 

A boy Gon’s age opens the hotel door, messy white hair and disinterested blue eyes taking in the situation of Hisoka before him. His eyes then trail to Gon where his face becomes an array of emotion Hisoka wasn’t exactly expecting. Hisoka glances back at Gon who’s expression is blank in response.

The boy pulls them into the room before slipping off his pants, left in his boxers.

“Can you see them?” He questions Gon, hardly paying attention to Hisoka. 

Gon’s facial expression changes almost instantly, eyes trailing all over what looked like a completely blank thigh to Hisoka. 

Two others walk into the room, they look Hisoka’s age, a male, and a female. Both also looking at the interaction between Gon and the white-haired boy. It’s then that it clicks for Hisoka. 

“Tattoos?” He inquires, trying not to let jealousy seep into his voice. How the hell does Gon find his soulmate first? Hisoka knows for a fact Gon hardly thought about having a soulmate, Hisoka thought about having one every day. How the hell is that fair?

Both boys are trailing areas invisible to everyone else so Hisoka decides to ignore them. So what… not like the white-haired boy seemed any special. Hisoka secretly scans the skin of the other two, desperate for tattoos. 

Both were quite lookers. The male, Hisoka assuming Illumi, was dressed for warmth. Beautiful, long, black hair contrasting pale skin. The brand name clothing he wore mirrored that of the brand name clothing on the girl whose hair was pulled up in a big pink ponytail. Rich people. Hisoka keeps himself from scoffing.

“Killua is that boy really-” the man Hisoka assumes is Illumi starts.

“Definitely,” ‘Killua’ doesn’t let Illumi finish, his eyes on Gon’s collarbone area. Hisoka tenses a little, the boy really had the nerve… 

“Then… I guess I owe you one,” Illumi looks over at Hisoka, seeming disinterested in the fact he ‘owes’ Hisoka. “Thanks for bringing my brother's soulmate.”

Hisoka waves it off. “Tell your brother to get his pants back on so we can tour the place.”

***

Hisoka’s jealousy is well hidden, but present throughout the entire night. The boys were completely inseparable. Constantly needing to be with the other and never want to lose sight of the other. Hisoka longs for that sort of feeling… The need to be with someone. Throughout dinner, the campus tour, the walk through town, every moment had Hisoka getting more riled. 

By the time they make it to Hisoka’s apartment, he doesn’t want to let the boys in. Machi and Illumi seemed completely unbothered by the two while they stay at each other's sides. Hisoka walks into the apartment and watches as Gon pulls Killua away to his room. How annoying…

“Small place,” Illumi looks around. “Quaint.” 

“Glad you like it?” Hisoka responds more in question. Illumi does not make much sense. No sense of humour, or anything other than logic and fact. Machi at least gave some good comebacks that fed Hisoka’s annoyance of the night. “You two want anything? Food? Drink? I’ve got some alcohol…”

Illumi waves away the offer, looking over the shelves that brandished awards Hisoka had won in his performances. Hisoka performed dances and circus acts, acts which were quite well known. 

“I’ll take a beer,” Machi says quickly, making herself at home by plopping onto the couch. Hisoka grabs both himself and her one. He felt the need to drink away his sorrows tonight… Deep down, he was happy for Gon, really. But mostly just bitter that the two met and clicked just like that. Yet here Hisoka was. Alone.

He takes big swigs of his beer, wanting the night to end. Small talk is initiated between the three, Machi explaining she’s only family friends to Illumi. Illumi telling Hisoka about the exchange. It was a friendly chat, making Hisoka almost forget Gon and Killua alone in Gon’s room. 

Hisoka excuses himself to check on them. He was not about to have them… He groans and shakes his head, opening Gon’s bedroom door as he never bothered to knock. The two are on Gon’s bed, Killua’s head rested on Gon’s stomach. Innocently talking with one another.

“You boys need anything?” Hisoka asks, leaning against the doorframe. 

“Nah,” Gon glances at Hisoka. “But you should definitely stop sulking.”

Of course, Gon picked up on Hisoka’s mood. He tsks and walks away from the two, back to where Machi and Illumi are talking about some fabric. Hisoka deciding he feels quite out of place in his own house. 

“You like cards?” Illumi questions Hisoka when he sits. Hisoka looks over the man, such a strange question.

“Yeah,” Hisoka nods slowly, noticing Illumi’s gaze hold onto his longer than it needs to. Hisoka breaks it by looking at Machi and asking about what they plan on getting out of being at the performing school. 

“We want to be able to work with real performers, making costumes,” Machi responds. “You were quite highly recommended.” Her gaze distastefully looks over him despite her compliment.

“I do have a show in a few days,” Hisoka closes his eyes, leaning against the back of the couch. “Don’t really have an outfit for that.”

“We’ve got you covered,” Illumi answers quickly. Seeming to be excited, or at least, that’s what Hisoka could tell. 

“A few days? To make a costume? Must really be a reason you guys were sent for the exchange… What about your little brother though?” Hisoka asked.

“Killua just wanted to come,” Illumi shrugs. “He can attend Gon’s school. It will work very well over our exchange.”

Hisoka can only imagine it. “Oh so well…”


	2. Chapter 2

Illumi and Machi holed themselves away while they designed Hisoka’s costume. He already had measurements since he’s has costumes made before, and that’s all the pair needed. They refused to leave their hotel room.

Leaving Hisoka to be salty with the teenage boys. Killua ate just as much as Gon and Hisoka had to cook extra to feed them all. Not to mention the fact they never left each other's sides. Ever. It’s like they were… 

Well, they were made for each other. 

Hisoka scrunches up his nose as he heads home from class, knowing the two boys will be there. Idiot boys… Stupid soulmates.

“Someone looks distraught,” muses a voice beside him. Kurapika walks alongside him, causing Hisoka to smile ever so slightly.

“Fancy seeing you visit,” Hisoka responds to the smaller blonde who had fallen into line beside him. Kurapika, admittedly, was someone Hisoka missed. Pika might be one of the only people Hisoka considered a friend. And that’s only thanks to Gon. Kurapika’s soulmate… Well, Leorio was a whole other issue who didn’t appear to be here right now. Good.

“Please do enlighten me, what’s new?” Pika questions as the walk towards Hisoka’s apartment.

Hisoka wastes no time in telling Kurapika of all the couple-like things the boys did. All the shared glances, the inside jokes created in seconds, the way they just clicked. Hisoka’s jealousy coming all out to the younger man. 

“Did you feel that way when seeing Leorio and I?” Pika muses.

“No, you two were like that right from the get-go,” Hisoka snorts, opening the door to his apartment. “Didn’t take much getting used to.”

Kurapika’s laughter draws Gon and Killua from the kitchen… Figures that’s where the two are. Hisoka decided he’s beginning to tire of taking care of the two. They could hang out at the damn hotel and get plenty of food there. Killua is rich after all. 

“Been a little while, hey Gon,” Pika smiles and offers the boy a hug. 

“Yeah!” Gon has the biggest smile on his face. “Wheres Leorio? Look, this is Killua.”

“So I’ve heard,” Pika smirks, glancing back at me. “Leorio had a school assignment. He’ll be stopping by in a few days.”

“We should have a party!” Gon claps. “When Leorio comes back.”

“In our apartment? Nice try kid.” Hisoka snorts, walking into the kitchen and cleaning up after the boys. He closes his eyes and sighs. Seems everyone had a soulmate except for him. He had some ideas thinking Machi and Illumi were together. 

That leaves Hisoka all to himself. Great. He glances at his phone as it beeps and Illumi’s text telling him to come over has him curious. Must be for the costume… I mean, what else could it be?

Hisoka hardly says bye to the others as he heads to the hotel. He walks straight to the room which had been transformed with mannequins and fabrics. It really looked pretty cool… Thinking of them practicing their craft makes him scrunch up his nose, maybe he should practice his performance… Ah, whatever. He’s done unchoreographed stuff all the time, he hated practice.

“Good,” Illumi walks over, holding a leotard. “You’re finally here.”

Hisoka looks over the piece of material, reminding him of a figure skaters outfit. Did they really want him to wear that? He had a strict rule against leotards, nothing really against them except for the fact your whole body is basically on display… Cottons always flowed nicely with dancing, leotards just clung to you… 

“Wheres Machi?” Hisoka questions instead, noticing the pink haired girl isn’t in the room.

“Out.” Illumi shrugs. “Now hurry up, put it on.”

“If you wanted me to strip for you, you could have just asked,” Hisoka snorts. Illumi doesn’t respond, holding the leotard while Hisoka slips off his pants. 

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Illumi groans. “What kind of underwear is that?” 

“Um… boxers?” 

“That won’t do…” Illumi disappears and Hisoka strips down the rest of the way, crossing his arms as he waits. When Illumi walks back in, Hisoka smiles at him and he freezes. He’s carrying what appears to be a new and different pair of underwear to go under the leotard. But Illumi’s eyes are trained on Hisoka’s biceps. 

“Oh yes, I’m quite strong. Like what you see?” Hisoka smiles, flexing for him.

“Your… tattoos.” Illumi manages and Hisoka tenses.

“What?” He chokes out.

“I can see them.” 

The two men stare at each other in disbelief. He can’t be serious… but it’s not like the chances of guessing the places of tattoos is gonna be right. Hisoka’s tattoos curled around his biceps. Needles and long tendrils of what Hisoka can now piece together to be fabric on them. Illumi… a fashion designer… it made sense now.

“Where’s yours…?” Hisoka says in a rather small voice, unlike him. Suddenly it was here, the person he had been looking for ever since the tattoos first appeared. Illumi hesitantly puts down his things and pulls up his shirt, turning around to show basically a mural on his back. The silhouette of a man, posed as he had just finished a performance, playing cards flying around his figure.

Definitely Hisoka. He walks over and trails his fingers over Illumi’s tattoos. The tattoos marking their soulmates. Illumi… his soulmate. Illumi’s back is tense under his touch and Hisoka wraps an arm around his waist.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Hisoka mutters, burying his face into the crook of the smaller man's neck from behind.

“What am I supposed to do with you?” Illumi responds, though his voice isn’t harsh, it’s soft and rather confused. “I’ve never thought about…”

Hisoka spins Illumi around. “I’ve got you,” Hisoka brushes a piece of Illumi’s hair behind his ear.

“Leotard!” Illumi claps, grabbing the piece from where he had set it. Suddenly Hisoka had no issue with it. Illumi made it after all. His soulmate made it… Hisoka has a stupid smile on his face as he tries the piece on. 

Illumi moves around him, judging the suit. It was really well made, Hisoka couldn’t deny that. Perfectly clinging to everything it needed to, the flashy colours reflecting Hisoka’s personality all too well. It’s like Illumi read him as soon as they met. All Hisoka wanted to do was hold the other man close but everytime Hisoka stepped towards him he returned with a dark look. 

“Let me do my job,” Illumi responds before putting a few pins into the suit.

“What about after,” Hisoka places a hand under Illumi’s chin so he looks up at him.

“Wait until after. Take it off.”

Something told Hisoka this relationship was going to be very one-sided… Illumi seems reserved from the idea unlike Hisoka and for some reason that hurt Hisoka. A lot. He removes the leotard, accidentally poking and scratching himself with the needles multiple times. 

“Hisoka,” Illumi scolds at the scratches the needles produced. He pulls Hisoka into the bathroom where he takes a cloth and dabs at his side.

So maybe Illumi wasn’t as reserved as he originally thought. He just… shows it in a different way. Illumi looks up at Hisoka and Hisoka notices Illumi freezing up a little.

“What’s wrong?” Hisoka murmurs, leaning closer.

“Shouldn’t… it be a while… before we’re naked in front of each other.” Illumi was so matter-of-factual is almost hurt. 

“Why wait?” Hisoka says softly, kissing the man before him. Hisoka had been waiting to do this for years. To have his soulmate in his arms. But they only have a moment before Illumi pushes him away.

“No, no this is stupid! Soulmates don’t… they’re nothing.” Illumi practically growls. 

“What…?” Hisoka looks over the distraught man.

“Soulmates are just some ruse! I don’t need one… I don’t need you.” Illumi crosses his arms. “I don’t need you.” 

Hisoka has no idea the feeling that his chest feels. It was the worst feeling he believes he’s ever experienced. Pain like no other. It hurt so bad, he wanted to cry. Hisoka never cried. Ever. He takes a deep breath, gaze turning dark towards Illumi. 

“Fine,” he walks from the room, grabbing his own clothes and leaves the hotel room in only his boxers. 

Machi passes him on his way out but avoids him pretty quick. He must have had death on his face for her to have avoided him. She always gave comments… 

He dresses as he moves, leaving the hotel and going to the one place he could count on. The strip club.

Strip clubs were great places. Normally they were full of people who had lost their soulmates or people who’s soulmates rejected them… Hisoka’s chest clenches. Oh my god, did it ever hurt. It hurt so bad. 

He pushes himself into the club, flashing his ID to get in. 

It’s not long before girls surround him. He tended to have that effect on people. And it’s not long before he’s pulled one into one of the private rooms. He always thought his first time would be with his soulmate… But not anymore he guesses.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short showing Illumi's POV...

Illumi’s POV

Machi walks into the room and concern is written all over her face. “What the hell Illumi?”

“What?” He responds, starting on the alterations for Hisoka’s leotard. 

“Hisoka walked out of here looking like he was going to kill someone!” She hisses. “That can’t just be because he doesn’t like the suit.”

Illumi pauses, deciding it’s safe to tell Machi. “I rejected him.”

There’s a long silence in the room. Machi finally sits next to Illumi and puts a hand on his back.

“Illumi you used to sit at night, asking yourself what kind of soulmate was so perfect he got to have himself as the tattoo. You used to ask every single man if they liked cards. Illumi you’ve been looking for Hisoka as soon as that tattoo appeared.”

“To reject him,” Illumi retorts. 

“Illumi… I think you’re just scared.”

“I don’t get scared,” he hissed in response and walks to the bed he was staying in.

“Hisoka does seem… different,” Machi follows. “But come on, the man just wants to love you. You saw the way he acted around Gon and Killua.”

“Killua should have rejected Gon too.” 

Machi sits next to Illumi in silence for a while before a pain rips through Illumi’s chest. He gasps and grabs it, feeling the need to rip out his insides. 

“Illumi? Illumi what’s wrong?” Machi’s hands wobble over him, clearly unsure what she should do.

“It hurts!” He manages out, continuing to rip at his chest. “Why does it hurt!?”

“Hisoka…” Machi grits her teeth. “Maybe he wasn’t for you after all.” 

Machi comforts Illumi as he cries, his chest feeling like it’s fall apart. Hisoka was with someone else. He moved on just like that.

Soulmates really were good for nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

Hisoka had never experienced so much pain. His whole body hurt, against him and his actions. Hisoka sat, surrounded by alcohol, drunk out of his mind, missing the performance he was supposed to be wearing Illumi’s leotard for. 

He sips more of the alcohol, purposefully sitting in his room so he could hide as much as possible from Gon. 

Hisoka felt like he lost all his will. Maybe save for wanting the best for Gon. Nothing he thought of besides the boy really seemed to matter anymore. Maybe that should be what he does… just care for Gon. That couldn’t be that bad a life… Until Gon leaves him for Killua. 

He screams into his pillow, tears he never cried escaping him again. Hisoka didn’t have anyone. He never had. That’s why he wanted—no needed a mate. Hisoka needed someone.

Hisoka grew up alone, only finding a master briefly who taught him a lot… But he left him too. He remembers that night, at the orphanage. His master walking away, a new child in hand. His own child. 

Hisoka worked so hard to be where he was. He had to. An orphaned kid made it into the top performing arts school and was one of the best students. Yet here he was, missing his performance, curled in a ball. Hurting everywhere because one person told him no. 

How is his life any fair? He wipes away his tears. He needs to stop having this stupid pity party. 

He grabs his work out bag and walks to the school, walking into one of the studios. Hisoka cranks the music and allows himself to dance the sorrows away. Allowing the performance to convey everything for him. The performance to no one but himself… because no one else was ever there for him. 

Little did he know, his friends waited at the party, all waiting to see him perform. Not that he ever showed up.  
***

Gon slammed the door to Hisoka’s room open, eyebrows turned down. Gon rarely got angry but the boy was angry.

“Where the hell were you?” Gon practically growls. 

Hisoka offers no response, his head fuzzy from all the alcohol. 

“Geez Hisoka!” Gon looks around the room. “You’re a mess. What got into you recently? That performance was supposed to be big and you completely blew it!” 

“What was it like… With Killua?” Hisoka manages in response.

Gon pauses before sitting on the edge of Hisoka’s bed. “You found your mate?”

Hisoka nods but offers nothing else in response.

“Meeting Kill? It was one of the best feelings. Plus he’s always there for me, right off the get-go, you know? Killua has no judgment. We just kinda… clicked.”

Hisoka decides that makes him feel worse and he closes his eyes. Damn it, why couldn’t it have been like that for Illumi? Maybe kissing him right away might have been too much… No. Illumi just flat out rejected him. Not his fault.

“Who?” Gon presses. “And why have they gotten you like this?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Hisoka takes a swig of straight vodka. “Not at all.”

Gon doesn’t leave Hisokas room. Instead, he cleans it up and takes the alcohol from his reach. “I’m staying until you sleep. You look like shit and you’re acting shittier.”

Hisoka mutters in response, curling into a ball. He doesn’t need taking care of. Not by Gon or Kurapika or anybody, not even Illumi. He grew up on his own so he can do it on his own.  
Despite his thoughts, he falls asleep quickly. He hadn’t slept well in the past few nights, constantly feeling pain, drinking to forget only to remember all that much more.


	5. Chapter 5

Gon had forced Hisoka back to class by the time he had missed a week of it. By that, Gon had dressed him and dragged him to his class and then walked him back home. 

Pika had also started nursing the overly depressed performer. They were worried for him, not that Hisoka seemed to notice. Stuck in his head space about not being a good enough person. 

Why was Hisoka like this? Why was he such a mess? He didn’t understand why he couldn’t be perfect—like Gon. Gon was perfect. Gon had friends, a soulmate, an aunt who raised him, a good future to look for. Hisoka was a no one… Currently, he was a lump of meat with no purpose or willpower to do anything.

“Hey,” Kurapika sits next to Hisoka who sat on the couch. Gon and Killua in the kitchen attempting to make god knows what for dinner. “I think you should talk to Illumi.”

Hisoka stiffens slightly at the sound of the name, like a poison had been dripped into his mouth. “How did you…?”

“Got to meet Machi and him… Not too hard to put two and two together.” Pika responds. “Don’t worry, I don’t think the kids made it that far.” He adds, referring to Gon and Killua who definitely would not have pieced two and two with their brains. 

“I’m not talking to him.” Hisoka huffs. 

“Leorio tried rejecting me too,” Kurapika begins. “I know how it feels.”

Suddenly Hisoka was interested. He leaned in, ready to listen to Pika’s story.

“Leorio thought having a soulmate would interfere with becoming a med student,” Pika explains. “So he flat out rejected me when he saw my tattoos. Not enough time for a soulmate when going through med school.” 

“And?” 

“And so I kept pushing. I’m not about to let his stupid ideas keep me away,” Pika snorts. “He’s an idiot Hisoka, remember?”

“Right.”

“So I talked to him. Everyday. I helped him with his school, I pestered and pestered until we became a thing… it was gradual, and neither of us really realized, but we liked each other. It’s what soulmates are for. They’re meant for you, and sometimes it just takes a little time.”

Hisoka nods slowly. Kurapika and Leorio were incredibly close, acting like an old married couple. But… “what if I had sex with someone?”

Pika chokes on the air, that’s the best Hisoka could explain his reaction. “You what?”

“I was hurt.” Is all Hisoka can come back with.

“Hisoka I knew you were petty but…” Pika trails off, obvious disappointment in his tone, like a mother scolding her child. 

“It was bad sex,” Hisoka tries to offer and Pika hits him in response.

“Of course it was if it wasn’t with Illumi! Do you know how much you must’ve hurt Illumi? Have you never heard the stories?”

“Um?”

“You’re hopeless! Completely hopeless! You idiot drunk! You and Illumi have to talk.”

Hisoka doesn’t respond since Killua and Gon come into the room holding what appears to be some sort of lasagna. If they expect Hisoka to eat that… 

“I’m heading to the corner store,” Hisoka stands. “If you need anything text me.”

No one stops him since he hadn’t exactly left the house in ages of his own accord, besides the class Gon forced him to. Hisoka’s mind on the thought he had hurt Illumi. 

Not in a million years did Hisoka ever want to hurt his soulmate. Even when Illumi had rejected him, even after Illumis cold-hearted actions, Hisoka didn’t want Illumi to be hurt. Illumi’s rejection instead made Hisoka want to be better, it made Hisoka realize how horrible a person he was, that someone like Illumi deserved better than him…

And he was right. He hurt Illumi? How? The sex? Could Illumi feel that? Did it hurt Illumi like how it hurt Hisoka?

Hisoka walks into the corner store, over to the snacks, wanted to binge away his feelings. He doesn’t notice as another person walks in, finding themselves beside him.

“Where were you?” Machi’s voice finds him. Hisoka looks up to see her looking pissed. 

“Where was I…? When?” Hisoka hadn’t exactly been anywhere but home and the one studio for dancing since being rejected.

“The performance! Illumi was so excited to see you and you didn’t even show!” Machi growls in response. 

“Illumi isn’t interested in me,” Hisoka responded darkly. In reality, Hisoka wasn’t mad at Illumi. Illumi definitely deserved someone who didn’t have a past like Hisoka’s. Hisoka’s past was so dirty. His master, the orphanage, the circus… Illumi deserved another rich kid. 

“You’re kidding, right? Illumi has no idea what he’s talking about. He hardly understands what friendship is because he spent his whole life working to become the best fashion designer. Then he gets to make a suit for you, the best rising performer, and you go and fuck someone after finding out your soulmates? And skip the performance? Do you know how excited the man was? Illumi never gets excited. And you hurt him! He needs you more than ever!” Her shouting in the corner store drew the cashiers attention, needless to say, and has Hisoka feeling small.

Of course, Hisoka fucked up. It’s all he’s good at.

“That’s it,” Machi grabs Hisoka’s arm and pulls him with her. “You smell disgusting, not to mention your makeup is all messed up. You’re going to see Illumi but first we’re gonna clean you up.”

The hotel room is empty save for the two of them. Machi forcing him to shower, dressing him up nicely and allowing him to use her makeup so he could feel a tad bit better about himself. The man had to admit, without his signature facepaint, he did feel kinda… self-conscious? 

Machi, despite not seeming to like Hisoka much, even helped him style up his hair which he had neglected for a while.

“Good. Perfect. Now Illumi will be back and you’re taking him on a date.” 

“To where?” Inwardly Hisoka was freaking out. A date? With Illumi? Oh god, Illumi probably hates him too… where would they even go?

“There’s a carnival… Illumi loves them, but he’s too emotionless to ever let loose with us… you, however,” Machi smirks. “You already make him go crazy.”

“I do?” 

“Before you two even saw each other’s tattoos, Illumi talked about you all the time. And how amazing you were. ‘Oh, Hisoka won so many awards did you see?’ ‘Hisoka must have worked so hard.’ Hisoka this, Hisoka that! Honestly, your name was growing old,” Machi tsks. 

“Oh…?” Hisoka frowns a little. Lots of people won awards. Even Gon has won medals. Illumi probably has tons.

“Anyways, he’s coming back,” Machi glances at her phone. “Ready?”

“No,” Hisoka answers honestly, fearing to be face to face with the dark haired man again. Especially after fucking up so bad…

“Too bad.”

Illumi walks through the hotel room door, hardly noticing the two. He looks stunning, as always, a grey beanie on his head and comfortable clothes adorning his body. Illumi was more beautiful than Hisoka remembered. 

“What are you doing here?” Illumi catches Hisoka’s gaze. 

“You’re going out,” Machi says for him. “The carnival.”

“I just got back from a long day Machi, I am not-” 

“You are.” Machi had an authority to her voice that neither of them dared oppose. It minutes they’re forced out the door and into a taxi, taking them to the fair.

The silence between them is awkward, to say the least. Illumi sat, perfectly still, shoulders back and head high while Hisoka slouched beside him. Hisoka had no idea what to say, how to apologize… Pika’s words come to mind and he looks over at Illumi.

“So… How have you been?” Hisoka asks slowly. 

“Good.” Is Hisoka’s only response before the awkward silence again. Good. So Illumi is good without him. Right… Should have expected as much. 

Hisoka pays for their entrance into the fair and watches Illumi’s demeanour change. Something tells him others wouldn’t pick up on the way Illumi grows excited, but he did. Hisoka could tell Illumi was itching to do all the things here. 

Gon had made Hisoka take him to this carnival one too many times, but taking Illumi felt good. He led the smaller man throughout the games and the rides. The awkwardness of their silence starting to get filled with small talk. Funnel cake was shared, cotton candy fought over, a good time had. Illumi was lively and Hisoka loved seeing it. 

“Why do you wear makeup like that?” Illumi questions as they walk down a pier, cotton candy held away from Hisoka since he had finally stolen a piece. 

“Like what?”

“Like you’re always performing. It’s makeup you’d wear in the circus.”

“I came from the circus… It’s like my tribute to where I came from. I don’t always have it done like this.” Hisoka responds slowly, careful about what he says of his past. Hisoka had no intentions of making the night depressing after all the fun they had just had.

Fun… The two really did have fun together. They talked, laughed, bickered… It was just like a date. Illumi only nods, eating the sugary candy happily as Hisoka hops off the pier and onto the sand. 

“Does it take a while to get it like that?” Illumi further questions, Hisoka reaching up and daintily moving Illumi from the pier onto the sand with him. 

“I could do it on you someday, then you’ll see.” Hisoka offers to which Illumi nods. Hisoka takes the moment to steal back the cotton candy and run down the beach. Smiling back at Illumi as he chases him through the sand. Illumi throws himself at Hisoka, having them roll on the ground together. 

Hisoka quickly braces himself and Illumi, not wanting the man to get hurt. He ends with Illumi on top of him who successfully steals back the cotton candy. 

“I win,” Illumi almost smiles, shoving the sugar into his mouth.

“You have quite the sweet tooth,” Hisoka muses, brushing sand out of Illumi’s dark hair. Illumi was so close… Close enough to kiss. Hisoka only had to lean in. Illumi seemed to think the same because he quickly pushes himself up and off of him. Hisoka doesn’t respond, not wanting to ruin the moment. 

They sit, looking out over the water and the stars, the fair alive behind them. 

“Illumi… I’m sorry…” Hisoka finally says.

“Don’t ruin it,” Illumi responds, tone dark. 

“Right…” Hisoka looks over his soulmate. He was stunning. Skin so pale with his black hair flowing perfectly down his back. His beanie a little messed up from them rolling around in the sand and cotton candy in hand, almost done at this point.

“You owe me a performance.”

“What?”

“I never got to see you perform. You owe me a performance.” Illumi says, matter of factly, finishing the sugary goodness and not even looking at Hisoka. 

Hisoka looks over him before standing up, brushing off sand. He pulls off his shoes and starts to dance. Music from the fair overlooked as he dances to his own tune. Hisoka could feel Illumi’s eyes but refused to look at him, scared he won’t like the performance. Hisoka performed from the heart, moving to a tune only known to him. Trying to show Illumi… To make him feel… He ends the dance, hand outstretched towards the other male, Hisoka's golden eyes searching Illumi’s dark ones.

Illumi takes his hand and Hisoka pulls him up.

“Next performance, you’re wearing my costume,” Illumi tells him.

“Deal,” Hisoka says softly, Illumi close to him once again. 

Something told Hisoka their date was going well and that’s all he could ask for. Even if maybe they were only friends now… They could make this work… Yeah, they could make it work.


	6. Chapter 6

Hands trail through Illumi’s black hair, it’s so silky, smooth… Lips pressed against each other, heatedly kissing, wanting more. Hisoka pulls away to look at the man, Illumi’s hands moving down his chest, lower… and lower…

Hisoka’s eyes flash open and he pants, running a hand through his hair. A dream… It was only a dream. Oh my gosh, now he’s dreaming of him!

Illumi’s face is so clear in his mind… Illumi’s body… Argh! Hisoka walks into his bathroom, forcing himself into a cold shower to clear his head. Damn it, he’s already hooked on Illumi more than any liquor. Hisoka groans, water running off him as he steps out of the shower. He wraps his towel around his waist and walks out to make breakfast. 

“Hisoka!” Gon whines. “We have guests.” The boy says when he meets him, both walking out of their rooms. 

“It’s my house,” Hisoka responds, walking through the living room and into the kitchen, not even looking to see who was visiting. 

“Are you always so grumpy in the mornings?” Chimes Machi’s familiar voice. 

Hisoka rolls his eyes as he begins making pancakes. 

“Whatcha making for us?” Killua asks as he walks into the kitchen, trailing Gon, Machi, and Illumi behind him.

“Pancakes, which your lazy asses could make for yourselves,” Hisoka responds, glancing up at them. Seeing Illumi, however, causes him to take a second look. He’s in a towel for crying out loud… His own fault though… 

“Come on,” Gon smiles. “You always make me breakfast.”

“You, not him.” Hisoka gives Killua a dirty look and he shrugs. “Am I making for you two?”

“Please. Let me try the amazing cooking Killua speaks of.” Machi plops onto a stool at the island. 

“You talk about me?” Hisoka raises an eyebrow, looking over Killua who has an arm wrapped around Gon’s waist. 

“I mean, yeah, you’re kinda Gon’s brother.” Killua shrugs. “Plus your food is top tier.”

Hisoka pours the mixture into the pan and uses it as a moment to go change, pulling on the first pair of boxers and pants he can find; which are of course, joggers. As a dancer, he has quite a collection of those. He walks back into the kitchen to flip the pancake. 

Not once had Illumi spoken to him, nor had he really acknowledged Illumi. The tense feeling between them continuing it seems. Hisoka looks over to where Illumi sits beside Machi, Illumi is staring at Hisoka making him feel rather small. He had no makeup on, his hair still wet, and when Illumi came in, he was only in a towel… Not to mention the shower had been from a dream about Illumi… Hisoka felt much more self-conscious. 

“You done with that pancake…?” Gon prys and Hisoka gives him a look, flipping the single pancake on the plate. 

“Guests first,” Hisoka slaps Gon’s reaching hand. 

Once the plate is full of pancakes, he serves Machi and Illumi first, then offers the two hungry teens their plates who gobble them up in what seems like seconds and are asking Hisoka for more. Hesitantly he pushes the rest of the made pancakes towards them which they walk off to the living room with.

“What about yourself?” Illumi speaks up.

“Huh?” Hisoka looks over.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” 

“Oh… Um, yeah, I’ll get something in a sec, how’s it taste?”

“Amazing!” Machi hums. “You really are a good cook! And we get a lot of really good cooks,” she smiles, shoving more pancake into her mouth. 

“It does taste good,” Illumi adds. Hisoka smiles, glad Illumi likes it. That’s all that really mattered… “So are you going to eat?” Illumi presses.

“Right…” Hisoka instead gets distracted and cleans up after the pancakes, and then the boys after they bring their dishes in. As much as he let himself become a mess sometimes, he rather a clean space. It felt better to be in. He takes the dishes from Machi and Illumi after they finish and clean them too. Hardly paying mind to the groups small talk as he cleans.

“Killua and I are off to school, bye!” Gon says suddenly and Hisoka realizes he hadn’t walked Gon to school in a while…

“Am I not invited?” Hisoka asks, narrowing his eyes.

“Not unless you wanna see cute couple stuff,” Gon smirks, holding up his hand which holds Killua’s. 

“Right. See ya.” Hisoka mutters, putting the last dish away as the boys leave. 

“Someone’s sulky, what, you normally walk Gon to school? That’s cute,” Machi puts in her two cents. “Maybe you can walk the two of them tomorrow, make sure they don’t do anything stupid.”

Hisoka scoffs. “They’ll do something stupid with or without me.”

“Touche,” Machi nods. 

“Anyways, why did you two visit?” Hisoka leans against the counter, turning to look at them. Illumi is still staring him down, is there something wrong with his face? Machi, however, puts down the salt shaker she was playing with and looks up.

“Thought you might show us around the university campus? You’re our tour guide after all.” Machi shrugs.

“I showed you most of the campus…” Hisoka gives her a confused look.

“We mean like, all the cool hang out places where the hip kids go,” Machi furthers.

Hisoka raises an eyebrow and she shrugs. “Alright, let me get dressed. I have a class at one, so I have to come back home at twelve thirty to get my stuff.”

“Can we pick your outfit?” Illumi perks up. “And watch your class?”

Both are odd requests… Then again their technically exchange students and fashion students at that. “Have at ‘er.”

Hisoka shows them to his room where both spend time looking around before actually going to his closet. Illumi inspects his bed, which had not been made since he had practically run to the shower prior to them arriving. Machi is looking at the big picture of a moment Hisoka was most proud of; him holding his trophy to one of the biggest dancing competitions in the country, hugging Gon who was smiling so proudly of him. Beside the picture was the trophy itself.

Illumi moved on to look at the picture as well. In fact, the only pictures in his room, in the house, were of himself and Gon. His time before Gon… His disgusting past was something he had no intention of having memories of. 

Finally, they dug into his closet and he made his bed, waiting for them to come up with something. 

“Your clothes kinda suck,” Machi comments. Hisoka sits on his bed waiting, watching Illumi slide through clothes pulling some things out, making the slightest of faces at others, he wasn’t as emotionless as Hisoka originally thought. Or maybe Hisoka just picked up on the little twitches of his mouth, and the slight narrowing or widening of his eyes, or the small wrinkle when he didn’t like—he’s only been in Illumi’s presence for how long and he already could pick up these things? Oh god…

“Here,” Illumi finally hands Hisoka some clothes. Hisoka puts them on, surprised to find they’re something he could wear to class. A pair of tight-fitting, grey drop-crotch pants, Adidas runners, and a red cropped hoodie. He didn’t often wear his cropped clothes, seeing as the girls in his class always stared and he didn’t need to give them more of a reason. Not that he minded being ogled, but it was class. Illumi throws a grey cap on top of his head and stands back, assessing his work. 

“Try,” Machi plucks the beanie off Illumi’s head and replaces the cap. “Better?”

Illumi hints at a smile. “Better.”

“No makeup?” Hisoka raises an eyebrow.

“No,” Illumi responds. “Let’s go.” 

Hisoka scrunches up his nose and then looks at himself in his mirror… Not bad… Not bad at all.

“Why don’t you buy yourself a bigger house?” Illumi asks and Hisoka glances back at him. 

“Why would I?” Hisoka questions, walking out of his room after grabbing everything he needs to go out.

“You have the money… From performing. Do you have a manager? Why not have a cook? And a maid? Oh, and you never ate breakfast. You should have a babysitter too,” Illumi rambles and Hisoka glances at Machi. 

She smiles as the leave the apartment and Hisoka falls in line beside Illumi who was clearly expecting answers, his big eyes looking over him. 

“I just need a big enough house to fit Gon and I… I don’t have a manager. I know how to cook and clean. And I forgot breakfast,” Hisoka answers… That should be all the questions. “Oh and I do not need a babysitter.”

Illumi tsks. “You forgot breakfast. Let’s get that first.” 

“I can just stop for coffee before my class,” Hisoka shrugs.

“Breakfast,” Illumi pushes.

So they walk to the cafe on campus, Hisoka showing them more of the campus along the way. Somewhere inside, he wishes Machi wasn’t there. So it could be like another date between Illumi and him. Maybe with a kiss this time, or more… 

Hisoka shakes his head and goes to order, only asking for coffee, which Illumi oh-so-rudely interrupts, asking for a muffin as well and paying. Illumi grabs the muffin and shoves it at Hisoka, holding his coffee hostage until he finishes. The man is surprisingly agile for a fashion designer… 

He takes them through different parts of the campus, the places kids tended to hang out, as Machi requested. The visual arts kids, the dancers, the film kids, even the designers, the program their exchange was through. They tended to stick to their own common areas by their classrooms. Hisoka headed to the dance room he had claimed and hung out in. 

The room was up a few floors, lots of windows despite the building being on the older side. The studio was way bigger than it needed to be for him to practice alone, but he loved the room. It was a safe place. He turns music on over the speakers and sits in the middle. 

“You dance here?” Machi sits across from him. 

“Mhm,” he hums, watching Illumi look at him through the mirror. “Either of you know how?”

Machi snorts. “Do I look like a dancer?” 

Hisoka looks over at her and pulls her to her feet, he holds her as if they were ballroom dancing and without warning, pulls her into a dance. She’s practically forced to move with him, all the while she holds his gaze. He spins her and then dips her gently. 

“You dance,” he says raising her back to her feet and letting her go. 

Machi looks at him with big eyes. “A-Apparently.”

He offers her surprised look a little smile before a song comes on, one he loves to dance to, and he gets lost to the music. The fast pace that allows his heart to race, the beat allowing him to move, flowing through his veins. When he danced, nothing else mattered. Just the dance; the dance, his dance partner if he had one, and those he performed for. They were what kept him going. Most of all, the dance itself. The feeling deep inside him.

Illumi catches his gaze and he makes his way over before pulling the man into the dance. Illumi wasn’t exactly a dancer either, but he allowed Hisoka to lead him and he flowed with Hisoka better than any partner he had ever danced with. His body suited Hisoka’s, his feet moved how Hisoka wanted despite him having no dance knowledge.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was because Illumi was made for him, he was supposed to fit him like this, to fit so well as their bodies pressed against each other… 

Illumi and Hisoka were frozen, the song had ended, Illumi once again, so close he could kiss… Illumi slips out of his arms and Hisoka chews on his lip instead, turning off the music. 

“Wow… You look amazing in videos but… Hisoka your dancing really is something else,” Machi compliments. 

“Thanks,” he rubs the back of his neck. This might be the only compliment he ever gets from the damn woman, he should definitely cherish it. He glances at the time. “Shoot! I gotta get to class!”


	7. Chapter 7

Illumi and Machi were allowed to watch the class since they were exchange students. Normally, his teacher pulls blinds over the door windows so no one can even watch from outside. He had no idea why the teacher loved doing that. The class was running through stretches, Hisoka could see Illumi watching him in the mirror and he smiles a little to himself. 

He still wore the outfit Illumi had picked out, it fit for class anyway. This particular dance class was for ballet, not his favourite dance style, but he excelled in it like any other dance. He ran through the class like any other, towards the end, they worked on the dance they were doing for a showcase. The girl he was partnered with was a good dancer, but anyone could tell they didn’t mesh. 

“Don’t drop me,” Pakunoda says through her teeth, only quiet enough for him to hear as they danced in sync with the rest of the class. She specified in ballet, of course. So naturally, she wanted to be the best in this showcase. Pakunoda was already the best in the class… Besides Hisoka maybe. 

Hisoka gave a devious smirk in response, lifting her by the waist easily and even though he wants to, he doesn’t drop her. Their dance is flawless to the untrained eye but…

“The hell was that?” Their professor says directly at them, arms crossed.

“The dance,” Hisoka responds cooly.

“Horribly done; Hisoka what was with the lifts and every time I saw you in fifth position I wanted to cry. Pakunoda what was your arabesque, please do tell me?” 

“Can we please have a new partner?” Hisoka and Pakunoda ask in unison. Hisoka needed someone who would follow him and she needed someone who would listen to her. They just… Didn’t go together. 

“No,” their professor hissed. “You have to learn to work with people that you don’t get along with. I suggest extra practice for both of you.” 

The two glance at each other. “What if we perform it perfectly, for you, right now. Then can we switch?”

“Hisoka you’re a great dancer but-”

“We can do it.” Pakunoda interrupts, picking up on Hisoka's tone. Neither wanted to dance with each other and if one perfect dance was all it took… 

“Fine. Enlighten me.” 

The class takes their seats at the mirror, all eager to watch easily the best two dancers in the class try and one up the professor. 

“I don’t know what you have planned Hisoka… But whatever it is, this better be the best performance you’ve ever done,” Pakunoda warns before they part and the music starts.

Hisoka takes a deep breath, allowing himself to calm down and feel the music. Just for one dance… Do what she says, let her shine. Do everything your body tells itself to do because he knows he was holding back before, simply because he didn’t enjoy dancing with her. They move seamlessly, perfectly… So perfect that when the music ends, there are tears in the eyes of the viewers. Hisoka proudly bows, the surprise is clearly written on Pakunoda’s face.

“I shouldn’t have underestimated you,” the professor dabs at an eye. “You two may pick your own partners.”

After class ends, Pakunoda walks over to him. “Why don’t you always dance like that?”

“Because I didn’t like dancing with you,” he throws his towel into his bag before slinging it over his shoulder, catching the sighs of some of the other girls in their little gossip circle. 

She snorts. “You’re… really an amazing dancer Hisoka, but I hope I never have to dance with you again either.”

Hisoka walks over to Illumi and Machi. “She stood out… Like she was supposed to in that dance… But the amazing dancer wasn’t her, it was you.” Illumi says simply before leading them out of the classroom.

Illumi saw right through it huh… 

The goal of the ballet they performed, was to make the woman shine. Like she was a goddess worthy of worship. It took most of the attention of the male, which Hisoka had no issue with so long as it wasn’t Pakunoda… And he had performed it perfectly, so she had shone for the class. But… Illumi saw right through it. The talent it took to make your partner shine…

Illumi isn’t even a dancer, how could he have noticed?

Hisoka shakes his head, following them out. “Are you two heading back now?”

“Nah, we’ll head back to your place, the boys will be there now,” Machi responds.

They walk in silence back to Hisoka’s apartment and find Killua scolding Gon about god knows what in the living room.

“Hisoka! Why do you not own a video game console!?” Killua cries out when he walks in.

“Because I rather play cards,” Hisoka responds cooly. 

“Cards!? Cards! Oh, my word,” Killua sighs exasperatedly, falling onto the couch.

“Hisoka’s taught me lots of card games… But he always wins, I think he cheats.” Gon responds, glaring over at him.

“You have yet to catch me red-handed,” Hisoka smirks, disappearing into his room. He has a quick shower and then pulls on the joggers from the morning and a deck of cards, he had to educate Killua. 

Hisoka sits across from the boy at the coffee table and slips out the cards, dramatically shuffling them in all sorts of fancy ways as Killua watches. Killua obviously trying to suppress his amazement.

“So you can shuffle, big deal,” Killua mutters.

“Can you play poker?” Hisoka inquires. 

“Of course. But what are we using as chips?” Killua frowns. 

“Time you spend in my apartment,” Hisoka says cooly.

“That’s so not fair Hisoka! You’re gonna win! I live here too!” Gon whines.

“You can hang out somewhere else,” Hisoka tsks. “Deal?” He raises an eyebrow. 

Killua nods, sitting up straighter. “Deal.”

And so the two play. Hisoka has the best poker face anyone has ever seen. Despite being quite full of expressions, he could be completely emotionless too. Gon always voiced how eerie he found it. 

“This isn’t fair,” Gon kept whining as he watched them play. But Hisoka could tell Killua was gaining a good hand as Gon began to silence. Gon had played him so many times, did he really think Killua had a chance.

Their game was coming to a close, Killua smirking as he lays down his cards. “No way you could have beaten my ace four of a kind!”

Hisoka raises an eyebrow and skillfully lays out his royal flush.

“You’re kidding…” Killua gawks at the cards on the table. “You cheated!”

Hisoka never cheated in cards. Not once. But he loved being accused of such. A smile plays onto his lips and he cleaned up his cards. “Guess I won’t be seeing you around as much in the next week?”

“Hisoka!” Gon whines and Hisoka slips his deck back into the box.

“You guys can hang out at the hotel room,” Machi chuckles.

“So long as you don’t interrupt my work,” Illumi adds, narrowing his eyes.

“What’s for dinner?” Gon asks, forgetting Hisoka’s evils. 

“Take-out,” Hisoka stretches. “I’m too tired to cook.”

Gon and Killua order pizza for all of them while Hisoka retires to his room for a little while. Not too long after he leaves though, Illumi walks in. Hisoka sits up off his bed and straightens a little, watching the man walk in. 

“Hey…” Hisoka says slowly, nervously. 

Illumi sits on the edge of Hisoka’s bed. “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Have sex.”

The room silences while Hisoka realizes what Illumi’s is trying to bring up. “I was angry… Illumi I’ve been so desperate for a soulmate that when you rejected me… I-” Hisoka didn’t even know.

“So you have an anger that makes you become petty and an ego as big as the Eiffel tower,” Illumi mutters and Hisoka winces, he’s not wrong. “I… I can’t accept you Hisoka.” Hisoka feels the pain all over again, his heart aching, his chest on fire, his stomach wanting to throw up the almost nothing he had eaten today. “Not unless you show me you’re worth accepting.”

Hisoka scrunches up his nose, the pain only slightly easing because now it was just a blow to his ego. As much as he wanted Illumi… What would he have to do to be worth accepting? “Maybe we weren’t made for each other…” Hisoka’s chest fires up in pain.

“Maybe,” Illumi responds, standing up. “We’ll just have to wait and see.”

“I guess so,” Hisoka murmurs, holding back tears from the pain his body felt.


	8. Chapter 8

Hisoka watches the worst dancing he may have ever seen, Gon’s. Wincing as the boy jumps around their living room. 

“Dance with me!” Gon smiles, his crappy dancing almost giving Hisoka anxiety. He had rhythm at least… Kind of… Ugh. Hisoka stands and shakes his head.

“You’re insufferable,” Hisoka says before joining Gon in horrible dancing. Although, at least Hisoka moved to the beat. Neither of them notice the three walk into their house, Hisoka and Gon were quick to find out over the past few days, neither Killua, Machi, or Illumi liked to knock. Hisoka and Gon dancing horribly together, putting on a horrible show for the three. 

“What even is this song?” Hisoka snorts, the lyrics talking about apple juice.

“Who knows?” Gon responds. Hisoka needs to take this boy to a club and let him see for himself how much he sucks at dancing… Ah, whatever. At least they’re having fun. They hadn’t hung out in a while since Gon spent most of his time with Killua. Hisoka had been alone at home, even finding himself missing Gon and Killua hanging out together here. But Killua had been holding his end of the bet. “Wow you suck,” Gon says. “Check out my moves.” He makes a face and does the worst ‘charlie brown’ Hisoka had ever seen.

“Please,” Hisoka counters with the twist.

Gon gasps. “The twist! Let me just show you my leg guitar!” 

They laugh at each other, going through classic dance moves. At the end of the song Hisoka falls back onto the couch, hearing clapping behind him he lets his head fall back, looking at the upside down image of Killua, Illumi, and Machi. 

“Oh, fancy seeing you here?” He raises an eyebrow. Why would they be here? Oh right!

“You forgot,” Machi snorts as Hisoka jumps up.

“I didn’t forget…” Hisoka shrugs. “I just… Had a lot on my mind,” he offers them a charismatic smile. 

“Go try it on,” Illumi hands him the bag that held his new dance costume and he walks to his room where he puts it on. The light blue cotton pants are tight around his calves and baggy down to his knees. He’s left shirtless, instead filled with accessories. Lots of golden bracelets, earrings, a thick gold necklace over his chest, golden chains hanging from everywhere they could. Around his waist a piece that many belly dancers wore, lots of gold pieces that jingled when he moved. Additional anklets also making little jingling noises. A fake nose ring that connected a chain to his earring and… Hisoka is impressed. With the right makeup, he’d be stunning… The gold accentuated him. Illumi really knew how to make Hisoka look like a god, there was no denying that. 

Not that anyone else could see his tattoos, but gold cuffs were around his biceps, curling around the tattoos perfectly… Illumi designed this for Hisoka alone. With the desire to make him shine. There was no doubting it. 

“Hisoka we’re waiting!” Gon calls. 

“I’m admiring myself!” Hisoka retorts, but he walks out anyway, jingling a little as he does. 

“Woah,” Gon’s eyes widen. “This has to be your best dance costume ever. Like I’ve never seen you look this good in costume.”

Even others could see Illumi’s design was meant to make him the star of anything he did. 

“It really is perfect… Good job bro.” Killua mutters. Hisoka’s eyes travel over to Illumi’s judgemental eyes. What if Illumi didn’t like it? Or more so, didn’t like him in it. 

“You look like an Egyptian God,” Gon walks closer, tapping at the golden necklace. “Can you perform okay in this?”

“Most definitely,” Hisoka nods, tearing his gaze away from Illumi. Everything was made for maximum comfort and mobility too, Hisoka could feel it. He could still feel Illumi’s gaze on him and he was too nervous to meet it. Why did he feel like that? Hisoka knew he looked amazing so… He held his chin up and met Illumi’s gaze.

“Perfect,” Illumi nods. 

“You better be at your performance tomorrow,” Machi jabs a finger at Hisoka’s chest. “Or I’ll come castrate you.” For some reason, Hisoka felt the threat was quite real. He nods and then Machi pats his chest. “Good boy.”

Hisoka snorts at the praise but doesn’t say anything else. 

“Can Killua pleaseeee stay?” Gon suddenly says when they turn to leave. 

Hisoka glances between the two. Gon and Hisoka were hanging out but… “Yeah fine.” 

The two instantly disappear into Gon’s room and Hisoka sighs, shaking his head. 

“Come back to the hotel room, make Illumi and I dinner,” Machi suggests.

“Alright, I’ll be a sec,” Hisoka changes and walks back to their room.

Hisoka has no idea why he agreed. Like seriously… Making food for others at the place they are staying? Why would he do that? Then again, aside from the fact Illumi was his… questionable soulmate, he did enjoy their company. 

However, on the way out of the apartment, they run into Kurapika and Leorio. Hisoka neither liked Leorio or disliked him. Leorio occasionally irked him, but he had no real problems with him. But he didn’t exactly like Leorio, their friendship was complicated. 

“We were coming to stop by…” Kurapika starts. “But if you’re going somewhere?”

“I mean,” Hisoka glances at the two. “They’re good friends of mine, Kurapika… and Leorio. Can they come with?”

Machi looks them over. “Sure.” 

They walk together, mostly in silence. Leorio and Kurapika talking quietly between themselves, holding hands. Hisoka glances at Illumi and Machi ahead, wishing he could hold Illumi’s hand. Then again, why couldn’t he? Friends hold hands too sometimes… Ugh.

At the hotel room, Hisoka raids their kitchen and finds enough stuff to create a meal. He’s left alone in the kitchen though, the others gathering in the living room. Hisoka both is upset by it and doesn’t particularly mind. It’s upsetting his friends don’t want to keep him company but the silence is nice. 

He begins making them a soup, allowing his mind to wander as he cuts vegetables. 

“Do you need any help?” Illumi’s voice comes from behind him. 

“You can help me cut these veggies,” Hisoka nods at them, handing Illumi the knife. Hisoka moves on to do something else but when he glances back at Illumi he can’t help but laugh a little. The man cannot cut vegetables. He’s clearly struggling. Hisoka moves over. 

“I’m sorry… I do not have much cooking knowledge,” Illumi frowns. 

“Clearly, here,” Hisoka places his hands over Illumi’s and guides him cutting a few things. “That’s how you…” he looks at Illumi who’s staring back up at him. “Did you even watch?”

Hisoka searching Illumi’s dark eyes as the man nods back at him, moving his gaze back to the vegetables. He begins to cut them again, still struggling. “You could… Show me one more time?”

By the time all the vegetables are cut, Illumi had maybe done one all on his own, the rest Hisoka had helped him. Hisoka didn’t exactly mind, it’s the thought that counts. Illumi just… Really… can’t cook. For some reason, that didn’t surprise Hisoka. The man, and his family, were filthy rich, why would they ever need to cook? Illumi could better spend his time. 

Wow, what Hisoka would have given to have spent all his time dancing… Sure, his limited free time was spent dancing… But he was almost always cleaning, looking after the kids in the cirque, cooking; anything but dancing. When he turned eighteen and left the cirque, he worked his ass off. Got his scholarship sure, but he worked all the jobs he possibly could until he started earning money through dance. 

Only now, did Hisoka start having more time… 

“Hisoka?” Illumi snaps him out of his thoughts.

“Hmm?” Hisoka raises an eyebrow, looking over. The man seemed slightly distressed.

“You cut yourself,” Illumi is holding both the bloody knife and Hisoka’s injured hand, keeping them away from each other.

“Oh…” Hisoka brushes it off and places his hand under the sink, letting water wash away the blood. He takes the knife from Illumi and puts it in the sink, washing his blood off it first. 

“Do you have like HIV or something?” Illumi asks slowly. Hisoka gives him a look, turning off the tap. “I’m being cautious.”

“Right,” Hisoka rolls his eyes, leaning on the counter. “No, I do not have HIV or any other diseases.” He says, looking at the man through half-lidded eyes before glancing at the cut. He really wasn’t paying attention, how stupid of him. Illumi grabs his hand and inspects the cut. “Are you this rough in bed?” Hisoka teases. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Illumi snorts. “Stay,” he walks out and returns with rubbing alcohol.

Okay look, we’re all tough until someone pulls out the rubbing alcohol.

“No, you’re not,” Hisoka leans back, holding his injured hand away from Illumi.

“Don’t be a baby,” Illumi walks over, reaching for his hand.

The two bicker for a while, Illumi all up on Hisoka, trying to grab high enough on his raised arm to pull it down to disinfect.

“Oh-” Kurapika’s voice sounds surprised and the two look over to where he stands in the doorway. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt!” He quickly walks out and the two look back at each other. Hisoka basically pushes Illumi off despite him jumping off himself. Both slightly embarrassed Pika had taken the scene the wrong way. Unfortunately, the moment Hisoka’s hand had left it’s high unreachable place, Illumi attacked. He bent Hisoka’s arm so that Illumi’s back was pressed to Hisoka and Hisoka’s arm was in front of Illumi, tightly held under Illumi’s arm. There he disinfects the cut, Hisoka hissing into Illumi’s ear while Illumi told him to suck it up. 

Hisoka groans, placing his forehead on Illumi’s shoulder, waiting for the sting to wear off. After a few moments, Illumi tenses. 

“What?” Hisoka raises his head a little, looking at Illumi’s face.

Illumi is looking back at him, his eyes holding all sorts of turmoil. “You.”

“What about me?” Hisoka frowns, their closeness hardly affecting him anymore since he knows Illumi would never allow anything to happen. 

Illumi sighs and rests his forehead against Hisoka’s, closing his eyes. Suddenly Hisoka decided the closeness did affect him. He can’t help but kiss Illumi. He realizes his free hand had already found its way to Illumi’s waist. Surprisingly, however, Illumi returns it. Everything in the universe told them to go together… Except one little thing, their stubborn minds. Both pull away.

“You haven’t proven yourself,” Illumi breathes, his eyes still closed. Hisoka hums and goes to kiss him again but Illumi presses two fingers to Hisoka’s lips. “No… We can’t,” Illumi quickly pushes himself off Hisoka.

Hisoka glares at Illumi. How could he tease him like that? That’s hardly fair! Why would Hisoka want to prove himself if Illumi was just gonna tease him like that? Hisoka frustratedly runs a hand through his hair and turns his back to Illumi, going back to the soup. Forget about him for tonight… Illumi doesn’t deserve his love. 

Ugh.

Illumi stays in the kitchen while Hisoka sulks and sets the table. Hisoka calls everyone in and serves them the soup. 

“So, what do you two go to school for?” Machi asks as they sit to eat. 

“Criminology,” Kurapika answers. “And Leorio’s in med school.”

“So you two are some smart cookies eh?” Machi glances between them.

“You could say that,” Leorio chuckles.

“Man, I haven’t had your cooking in ages,” Kurapika says suddenly.

“It’s so good!” Leorio adds, smiling at his soup.

Hisoka, however, is still salty about Illumi and only nods at them. 

“It is good Hisoka,” Illumi compliments.

Hisoka curls his upper lip. “I’m so glad you like something about me.”

Illumi gives him a disinterested look and continues eating. Hisoka abruptly gets up and leaves, walking out of the hotel room completely. Why does Illumi frustrate him so much!? Why can’t they just click like Gon and Killua? Or Leorio and Kurapika? Well… Okay, Pika said they didn’t click but they got along so well now…

A woman approaches Hisoka and a smile breaks across her face. “Are… You Hisoka Morow?” She asks. Hisoka raises an eyebrow and cautiously nods. “C-Could I get a photo with you? I’m such a big fan of your dancing! I’m so excited for your performance tomorrow!”

“Of course,” Hisoka smiles a little and wraps an arm around her shoulders, taking a picture with her. They talk for a little before he waves her off. Wow… She made him feel better. Someone appreciates him a whole lot, even if it’s not Illumi… And, there’s something he can always turn to. Dance. 

Maybe Hisoka didn’t need Illumi like he originally thought.


	9. Chapter 9

Hisoka waits patiently despite everything else in his body bursting with anticipation. He was about to perform and he was more than just excited. Dressed in Illumi’s costume, poised perfectly even though he wasn’t even on stage, in the spotlight yet. Just waiting to walk out, to feel the gazes on him, to feel the rhythm in his heart, and the dance coming from his soul. 

He was performing for a very wealthy family tonight… indirectly. They were putting on a party of sorts, a party big enough that his performance was broadcasted on live television tonight. They were big influencers in the city which meant this performance, having a connection with them, was very good for his reputation. 

Over the loudspeaker, his name is said and he gracefully walks out. Applause hits him, making him feel on top of the world. He couldn’t really see anyone, lights burning so bright into him to make him shine, a sensation he was used to. He didn’t need to see them to know their eyes were on him. 

On comes the music.

His dance captivates, as it always does. The tune completely taking over his body, feeling every little note in the song. Then the aerial hoop drops and he smirks toward the crowd. He grabs it with one hand and begins to spin, spinning the hoop in a performance always added something else. Another sense of danger. The hoop lifts him in the air and he continues, pulling beautiful tricks, mixing all his skills as he performs. Oh, how he loved getting lost in the music, as he was now. Lost in its rhythm… 

He drops off the hoop as the song comes to an end and bows as the crowd is silent for a few moments, waiting, to make sure it’s really over. He tended to have that effect… 

The applause roars and he makes his way out. He sits in a private room, drinking from his water when his entourage decides to barge in. 

“HISOKA THAT WAS SO AMAZING!” Gon cries out, his eyes shining as he engulfs Hisoka in a hug. Hisoka pours a little water on the boy to get him off. 

“It was peaceful,” Hisoka says as Gon glares at him. Hisoka turns back around, practically ignoring everyone who had come in, knowing Illumi had come in too. He felt so alone despite being surrounded and he had no idea why. The high of his performance had left and he just wanted to curl up in bed. 

“Hisoka… you okay?” Gon says slowly, walking over. 

“Yeah, fine, sorry,” he puts on a fake smile. Gon, however, sees right through him. Of course, he does, the kid can be real sharp despite being stupid. 

“Hey we’ll wait out in the party, you have to change anyways,” Gon smiles and ushers everyone out. Hisoka plops in a chair and looks to wear his clothes for the party are hanging. Sometimes, Gon really did save his ass. With the people all gone, he felt more relaxed. He locks the door before gently peeling off Illumi’s beautiful costume. He changes into the dress pants and button-down Illumi had forced him to wear and calms himself down. He looks at himself in the mirror, hair styled up, makeup still on. He looks fine. Yet he felt insecure. Why though? It just doesn’t make sense… Hisoka walks out and makes his way into the fancy party. The camera from the TV station broadcasting them finds him all too quickly. 

“Do you mind a couple of questions? It’ll be real fast,” the beautiful hostess asks him. 

Of course, he obliges, he couldn’t pass up this opportunity. They wait a few minutes before it comes back to them and the hostess smiles, introducing Hisoka to those sitting at home watching. 

“First of all, we must ask, who were you wearing and who did your makeup?” She says excitedly. 

“I was my own stylist for hair and makeup,” he smiles softly towards the camera. “However, my beautiful costume was made by aspiring fashion designer Illumi Zoldyck.” 

“Zoldyck? As in the famous Zoldyck family?” She asks. Hisoka nods in response and her smile brightens. “What connections you must have Mr. Morow,” she muses. “So please do tell us, where did you learn to dance?”

“I taught myself,” Hisoka closes his eyes for a moment. “I’ve been teaching myself since I could stand and I’ve just worked hard.”

“I see, who raised you to become such an incredible performer?” Her question, although innocent, has him tense up.

“I more or less raised myself,” Hisoka offers, trying to remain cool about it. “I was brought up in an orphanage and at the circus.”

“Oh… I am so sorry…” Her pause is short lived as she tries to make it happy again. “Well, we have already seen you perform here. Where will you be performing next for those eager to see you again?”

“My school will be holding a showcase that I would love for you all to attend,” Hisoka brings back his classic charisma. “I’d be honoured to have a fan come say hello there.”

“There you have it, folks! Head to Hisoka Morow’s school showcase for a chance to not only watch him perform again but to see him personally! Thank you very much, Mr. Morow.”

“No! Thank you.” Hisoka offers his biggest smile and then they pause before they go off the air. He relaxes a little and talks with the hostess for a while before noticing his entourage waiting. Hisoka excuses himself and walks towards them.

“Someone’s famous,” Gon winks. 

“So are the Zoldycks,” Hisoka’s eyes flicker to Illumi and then Killua. “She recognized your name right away.”

Killua shrugs a little, hands in his pockets. “Your performance was real good by the way.”

“Thanks,” Hisoka nods. “I’m going to raid the food table, anyone wanna come?”

“Of course,” Gon smiles and they walk over together. 

Hisoka is silent as he picks up a glass of wine and some kind of snack they had sitting out. He’d prefer beer over wine… Or vodka really. But it’s alcohol, so. He sips from the glass, feeling Gon’s gaze on him.

“Are you feeling okay?” Gon pushes, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’re acting kinda strange.”

“I just want to go home,” he sighs, looking over at Gon.

“Hmm… I could probably cover for you.”

Hisoka laughs lightly. “Thanks for the offer, but I have to stay for a while, I’m a guest after all.”

“Fine then, just don’t be so salty towards Illumi. You’re making a public appearance as a guest and your pettiness looks bad. I don’t know what he’s done to you, but like come on!”

Hisoka blinks, being lectured by Gon, how lovely. He finishes his wine glass and picks up another. “Let’s go over to them then.”

The music in the background was slowly going from soft to dance music as the night continued. Party-goers going from mingling to dancing and getting drunk. Turning the place into more or less a club as the night went on. 

That excited Hisoka. The loud music, the sweaty dancers crowded together, the dark lighting, no one truly caring because they were on the dance floor out to have a good time.

Although he and his entourage had stayed together most of the night, he really wanted to pull someone to dance with him. Maybe Illumi would… No, Illumi wouldn’t. 

“Oh come on,” Machi sighs, taking Hisoka’s hand. “I can see it on your face, let’s go dance.”

She pulls him onto the dancefloor and his smile widens, moving with her happily. She wasn’t a terrible dancer, and like many women, she had her dancing charms. She had rhythm and she used it. Machi looked beautiful in her dress, dancing with him. Before Illumi, he might have even been tempted to check her for tattoos. But alas, his mind instead brought up Illumi. How Illumi looked in the dark lighting… How he would look dancing like Machi… 

Machi’s smirk catches him off guard and he narrows his eyes as she pushes herself up onto him.

“Machi?” He questions, raising an eyebrow. Not that he minds dancing with her, but she is normally repulsed by him. So why would she be dancing so close? So suggestive? “Are you drunk?”

“Completely sober,” she whispers into his ear. Rolling her body onto his, smiling softly. Okay… What in the world is going on with her? Normally she’s roasting him for something. 

“Machi,” Illumi’s voice comes from beside them and Hisoka looks over. Machi’s hands are on Hisoka’s chest, her face dangerously close to his. “I’d like to dance too.”

She smiles deviously, putting up her hands and walking off. 

“I didn’t take you as someone who would dance to this music,” Hisoka tilts his head. 

“I’m not,” Illumi replies before pulling moves rather close to Machi’s. Moves that had such a devilish feminine touch it hurt. Hisoka couldn’t resist when he took Illumi’s waist, dancing with him. Like before, Illumi is no dancer but dear gods, he could still work it. Just like any average person… Though in the moment, he wasn’t average. No Illumi is the most beautiful and sexy person in the room. Their hot bodies pressed against each other, Illumi teasing him but Hisoka doing the same back. Neither fully committing but neither wanting to really leave the other. 

“Hisoka…” Illumi murmurs and Hisoka can barely hear over the music. “You danced beautifully tonight.”

Hisoka pulled him closer. “Now? Or before?” He can feel Illumi’s breath on his neck and he looks at the man curiously. 

“Both,” Illumi puts a hand on his cheek. It’s a moment before Hisoka lets go of Illumi, slightly backing away.

“Glad there’s something else you like about me,” Hisoka sneers and walks away. Alright, Gon may have told him to forget his petty side but he could never… Illumi now shows interest? Like what the hell? He hadn’t done anything to prove himself, had he? Hisoka leaves the party, walking out into the brisk air outside. Home is definitely too far to walk, but despite that, he continues to walk towards it. 

Frustration had just completely built up within him. Hisoka just wants Illumi to love him, and he just wants to love Illumi, but at this rate… They were both too stubborn to fall to the other… Hisoka perks up a little, a game… Why not make it a game. Whoever falls for the other first loses. If he just keeps that in his head, maybe it’ll help him get over falling for Illumi since Hisoka didn’t lose games. 

That’s all he has to do…

“Get in you idiot,” Leorio says from the car passing beside him. “You’ll get sick out here.”

Hisoka follows his order, sliding into the vehicle that was already full with everyone else. Hisoka raises an eyebrow at the driver, realizing they were in some sort of extra fancy uber. Gon elbows him when he sits next to him. 

“Leorio got super worried when he realized you went outside without a coat.” Kurapika offers.

“And you gave a great excuse to finally leave the party,” Killua smiles, putting his hands behind his head. 

Hisoka shakes his head a little and his stomach growls rather aggressively in the otherwise quiet vehicle. 

“Are you hungry?” Gon snorts.

Hisoka chuckles. “I’ll eat when we get home. I was just anxious about the performance I must’ve forgotten to eat.”

Once again Leorio snaps. “You need a good healthy meal, you cannot just perform on an empty stomach that’s not good for you!”

“Leorio, it’s Hisoka, he’s pretty tough,” Gon defends. “Like his for his finals last year, he was so stressed he didn’t sleep or eat for the three days leading up to it.”

Leorio chokes on air while Hisoka glares at Gon. “That’s /kind of/ personal information,” Hisoka hisses at Gon. 

“You dumped water on me.”

“You interrupted my beautiful self-reflection on my dance,” Hisoka scoffs. 

“Right, when I see you actually self-reflect on a dance, I’ll believe you.” Gon rolls his eyes. 

The two smile at each other before the vehicle pulls up at the hotel the others were staying at. Hisoka moves to get out but Gon stops him.

“The driver will take us the rest of the way, Illumi offered.” Gon says.

“Right…” Hisoka glances up at Illumi. “Thanks.”

Illumi is poker-faced as he nods and leaves the car, everyone following. 

“You and Illumi really gotta figure your stupid shit out,” Gon says as soon as the car door closes. “Like, Illumi is annoying and all but I don’t understand why you’re so mean to him. You’re normally so charismatic with like… Everyone.”

“We just have different perspectives…” Hisoka rests his head on the window… Yeah. That’s the best way to put it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of an extra chapter of Gon x Killua for you guys! (some plot towards the full fic at the beginning of this chapter though)

Gon’s POV

 

Gon walks into the kitchen, Hisoka had left him breakfast on the table with a little note saying he’d be out for the day. As much as Hisoka liked to believe he was the uncaring older sibling, Hisoka cared a hell of a lot. Gon starts eating and takes the opportunity to call Killua.

“Hey!” Gon smiles into the phone, happy Killua had picked up. 

“Hey, Gon, what’s up?” Killua’s voice is so soothing to hear. Gon relaxes a little, continuing to eat.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to go out today… Like… A date?” Gon asks, realizing he could take the opportunity to go on a date. They had been out, but they never really called it a date. 

“Open up,” Killua says, confusing Gon before he hears a knock on the door. Gon scampers over and opens the front door. “I think a date would be pretty cool,” Killua says both into the phone and at Gon before hanging up.

“Okay!” Gon says excitedly, although, Gon hadn’t exactly planned past that. Where would they go? Or do? 

“How about lunch,” Killua offers. “And a movie?”

“How’d you know I-”

“I know you Gon,” Killua chuckles, walking into the apartment, plopping on the couch. His white hair sticks up in all directions, a natural messy look that really suited him. Gon walks over and sits next to him. Killua is really beautiful… Killua looks over and raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t you a little close?”

Gon realizes he had leaned in, close to Killua’s face. “Maybe…” Gon murmurs, glancing at Killua’s lips. They hadn’t kissed yet but maybe now… 

They jump away from each other when the door is slammed open by Hisoka. Gon watches as he walks in frantically. 

“Killua! Oh thank god you’re here, do you know where your brother is?” Hisoka asks, he looked genuinely worried, all composure gone. 

“I thought he went out with Machi to some fashion show?” Killua replies, keeping his composure. 

“Yes, yes, and they were supposed to be back from that, and Machi did come back. Without Illumi. She doesn’t know where he is either. He’s been gone the whole night Killua, he won’t answer his phone.” Hisoka hisses, turning around and hitting the wall. Killua and Gon glance at each other. Why would Hisoka get so worked up?

“Hey, Hisoka, Illumi is a full grown man, he can take care of himself,” Gon says slowly.

Killua snorts. “I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, he probably got distracted by some shop windows on his way home and got an inspiration rush or something and went somewhere to draw. He disappears sometimes to work alone.”

“For a whole day?” Hisoka presses.

“Hisoka seriously, why care about him so much? He’s my brother. He’s fine.” Killua waves it off. 

Hisoka’s golden eyes, however, are still full of concern and Gon frowns, he had been under the impression Hisoka and Illumi aren't getting along. Maybe he is wrong? Gon walks over and pats Hisoka’s back. 

“I’m sure Illumi will call back okay? And soon.” Gon smiles widely at Hisoka, trying to cheer him up.

Hisoka nods a little and walks towards the balcony where Gon watches as he grips the edge, his knuckles turning white from grabbing it so hard. 

“Let’s head out now, leave Hisoka to himself,” Killua suggests.

“Yeah…” Gon nods, Hisoka definitely needs a moment alone, but Gon doesn’t want him worrying so much either. But Illumi has to be fine, everything about the man made him seem untouchable, there’s no way anything could have happened. 

Gon hesitantly takes Killua’s hand as they walk into town together. The two weren’t often very affectionate, Gon had been hoping to change that. He really liked Killua, really really liked Killua… Yeah, they were meant for each other, but Gon felt so strongly toward Killua that if anything were to happen to him, Gon wouldn’t…

“Killua… I think Hisoka and Illumi are soulmates,” Gon realizes. 

“Those two!? You have to be kidding…” Killua trails off. “Wait, that makes total sense.” 

“Yeah, but then why don’t they just love each other?”

“Cause they’re both stubborn dumbasses,” Killua replies before pulling Gon into a restaurant. “C’mon, they have such good food here.”

***  
The two boys laugh together as they make their way to the top of Killua’s hotel building. They had been sneaking to the roof for a long time. It is… their place. Where the two could go to be alone. Peaceful, quiet, only the soft city noises below them, a comforting sound. 

They sit down on the roof, making some small talk before silencing. Killua begins running his fingers over Gon’s collarbone, where his tattoos were. Gon had lightning bolts dancing across his collarbones to his shoulders. It never made sense until he saw how happy Killua became at the storms that passed through. Killua would often sit at the window, or even outside, to watch the lightning. The lightning always made his eyes light up… Gon loved watching him when he was like that. Like lightning was apart of him in another life…

Killua looks up at him and smiles. “I love your tattoo,” he says softly and Gon leans in, kissing Killua softly. The feeling had just overcome him.

When he pulls away, Killua’s face is a bright red and Gon laughs at him.

“You- You can’t just do that!” Killua sputters.

“Do what?” Gon plants little kisses all over his face. “That?”

“Gon!” Killua kisses him, full force, placing his hands on Gon’s cheeks. Gon smiles into it, kissing him back. They pull away and Gon smiles softly at Killua. 

“Was it okay?”

“Of course it was, stupid!” Killua rustles his hair and once again they’re laughing together on the roof.


	11. Chapter 11

Hisoka paces in his living room, Machi sitting on his couch. Both worried and unsure of what to do next. Illumi still hadn’t called and it was now night. What if something really bad happened to him? What if Hisoka never got to apologize for his pettiness and Illumi was like… dead… Oh, my gods what if he was murdered or something?

Machi’s phone rings and she picks it up in a flash. “Hello?” The complete relief on her face when the person responds tells Hisoka exactly who it is and he plops beside her, his body feeling as though two tons were lifted off him. 

In his moments of calming down, Machi passes the phone to him. “Illumi?” Hisoka says desperately to the man on the other end of the line. 

“Hello Hisoka,” Illumi hums. “I didn’t realize you’d be so worried.”

Hisoka practically growls into the phone. “Machi made it sound like you were dying,” that was a fat lie, but he didn’t want Illumi to really think anything of his excessive amount of phone calls or texts. 

“Right well, my phone died. I met a man at the fashion show who took me out into the city for the night. We were just sharing as artists. He gave me a lot of inspiration,” Illumi informs. 

“For the night and the whole day?” Hisoka frowns, why would a man he just met take him out?

“We were sharing as artists!” Over the phone, Hisoka can tell Illumi is excited about what had just happened, that Illumi had had a good time. 

“And we can’t ‘share as artists?’” Hisoka can feel something building up in his chest. Why didn’t Illumi ever share his art with him? Sure he made Hisoka things, but he never talked about it, Hisoka had shown Illumi his dance… 

“Chrollo is a writer. We were finding inspiration together. Our arts just go a little better together is all.” Illumi responds. 

Hisoka winces, so Illumi and Hisoka don’t go together? Is that what Illumi is trying to say? “Where are you?”

“Chrollo’s house. I had to charge my phone.”

“I’ll come pick you up.”

“Chrollo can drive me home.”

“I’ll come pick you up,” Hisoka repeats angrily. “What’s the address?”

After getting the address from Illumi, Hisoka quickly gets ready to leave. 

“Jealous, are we?” Machi muses, watching him run around. 

“I would never…” Hisoka looks at her and sighs. “And what if I am?”

“You two need to get your damn relationship together already and fuck,” Machi replies, looking back to her phone. 

Hisoka shakes his head. “You said it yourself, Illumi is…”

“Illumi is a desperate bottom and I know you’re a top.”

“Machi!” Hisoka hisses.

“You two are perfect for each other! Honestly, if you can set aside your petty ego and Illumi can set aside his idea that mates are dumb, you two would see how truly perfect for each other you are.” 

“I don’t think it’s quite that simple…” Hisoka frowns as he thinks of how dirty a person he is. “Yeah, I don’t think so at all…” He leaves to go pick up Illumi in his rather out of place fancy car, the one thing he did spend his money on. 

He races through the streets, heading to where Chrollo lived. Why would Illumi spend so much time with a stranger? Illumi hardly spent that time with Hisoka and if he did, Machi or someone was with them.

Hisoka finds the house and walks to it, knocking on the door. A few moments later, a man opens the door. His hair is dark like Illumi’s but much shorter, a bandana tied across his forehead. Dark eyes searched him for a moment before recognition flowed through them. “You must be Hisoka!”

“Yes…” 

“Come in,” Chrollo stands aside and Hisoka slips in. 

“I’m just here to pick up Illumi…” He trails off when he sees Illumi on the floor, playing with a cat… Only in his boxers. What the fuck. 

“Oh, Hisoka!” Illumi picks up the white and black cat and Hisoka almost feels bad for the poor animal in the way Illumi picked him up. “Meet Oscar.” Illumi walks over, holding the cat out. 

Hisoka quickly picks the cat up in a nicer manner, fearing Illumi’s grasp of him. The cat takes an instant liking to Hisoka, maybe because he had saved the poor creature from Illumi. “Yes, where are your clothes?”

“Oh, Chrollo and I got caught in the rain. He’s drying them for me.”

“And you couldn’t have borrowed some of his?” 

“We’re only in his house,” Illumi rationalizes, tilting his head. “Why should I?”

“Can I get you anything?” Chrollo interrupts. “Illumi’s clothes are still in the dryer…” 

“I’m good,” Hisoka says, absentmindedly petting the cat as he looks around. The house is clearly expensive, decorated in a modern style with touches of old Victorian vibes. 

“Make yourself at home then Hisoka,” Chrollo smiles a little. 

“I think Oscar likes you… He didn’t like me very much,” Illumi says, narrowing his eyes at the cat. “That’s unfair.”

“Hold him like I am,” Hisoka offers, passing Oscar back to Illumi but the cat does not want such, reeling back into Hisoka. Illumi pouts a little and Hisoka laughs lightly. “How about we let the cat do what he wants,” Hisoka sets him down and the cat scampers off into another room. 

Illumi… Oh Illumi had an entire childish aspect to him. Hisoka finally takes a moment to look over Illumi and his breath gets caught in his throat. Illumi was practically naked before him, it took everything within Hisoka not to pull Illumi close and kiss him. He looked amazing… Despite what Hisoka had assumed, Illumi is completely ripped. A more gentle version of being ripped is the best way Hisoka could think of it. He had the body of a dancer, lean and strong, pretty and perfect… Illumi is gorgeous. 

“Chrollo was reading to me,” Illumi says, walking back to the couch, giving Hisoka a view of his tattoo through places his hair parts. It is still the same as Hisoka remembers it, his poised figure with cards flying around it. “He has very good writing.”

“Sharing art stuff?” Hisoka glances over at Chrollo who’s eyeing up Illumi, giving Hisoka a rather annoyed feeling.

“Yes… Illumi quite enjoys being read to,” Chrollo smiles, looking over at Hisoka. “Which I imagine you’re already aware being his friend, no?”

Hisoka watches a devilish twinkle in Chrollo’s eye and his feeling sinks, suddenly slightly fearful of the man. Something is so wrong about him… And Hisoka didn’t fear anyone or anything. But everything inside him was against this man. Chrollo sits next to Illumi and waves Hisoka over. 

“Chrollo wrote a poem about the fashion show, would you like to hear it? It’ll make you feel like you were really there,” Illumi almost smiles and Hisoka clenches his fists, sitting on a recliner. Illumi was giving up his precious, rare, facial expressions to this man? 

“It’s okay, you take me to the next show, how’s that sound?” Hisoka offers smoothly.

Illumi looks over him, narrowing his eyes. “You’re serious?”

“Quite.” 

Chrollo puts a hand on Illumi’s thigh. “I’m gonna go check on your clothes,” Chrollo walks away and Hisoka scrunches his nose. 

Hisoka looks back at Illumi and sinks into the chair, gripping the edges, he wants to slam Illumi into a wall and kiss him. But that could be a little inappropriate… Especially considering their situation. Machi did say he was a desperate bottom though…

“Hisoka?” Illumi interrupts. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why do you think?” Hisoka responds cooly.

Illumi clearly takes a moment before he just lets out a little ‘oh…’ and Hisoka rolls his eyes. “Don’t think that!” Illumi suddenly exclaims.

“What!? You’re naked!”

“I’m not naked!” Despite what he said, he yanks a blanket from the couch over himself.

“Practically! Besides, it’s Machi’s fault!”

“She’s not even here!”

“Are you two okay?” Chrollo’s voice comes back as he walks into the room, folded clothes in his hands. 

“Fine,” Hisoka stands, grabbing the clothes and shoving them at Illumi. “Illumi’s just getting a little chilly.”

“I can make you a coffee for the ride back,” Chrollo offers Illumi, offering the smile Hisoka knows all too well. The kind of smile he gave to people when he was trying to please them. What did Chrollo want with Illumi? Chrollo then looks at Hisoka and he can see the mischievous look in his eye. 

“It’s alright,” Illumi is already up and dressed when Hisoka looks back at him. “I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

“Of course not!” Chrollo says quickly. “You’re always welcome here, for as long as you like.”

Illumi tilts his head. “Thank you,” he then looks at Hisoka. “Okay, let’s go.” 

Hisoka wastes no time in walking to his car, inwardly seething. Chrollo pissed Hisoka off, everything about that man just… Illumi slides into the car and Hisoka looks over him.

“Do you need dinner or anything?” Hisoka asks as he pulls away, speeding away from the wretched house. 

“Will you make me something?” Illumi replies.

“If that’s what you’d like,” Hisoka nods, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Then please.”

The rest of the ride to Hisoka’s apartment is silent. Hisoka driving like a madman as always, but also as always, making it home in one piece. He heads into the apartment which he’s surprised to find empty. Machi, Gon, and Killua were all not there… That’s different. Illumi walks in behind him and instantly heads for the kitchen.

“Okay,” Hisoka chuckles, following him. “What do you want?”

“A grilled cheese.”

“That’s it…?”

“Yes.”

Hisoka shrugs and goes ahead, starting to make one. Illumi waits patiently at the island, watching Hisoka make it. Hisoka turns to look at him while he waits for the grilled cheese to finish. They sit in silence for a moment before Illumi speaks up.

“Were you really that worried when I was gone?”

Hisoka looks over him before slowly nodding. “Extremely.”

“I promise to get in contact faster if it happens again.” 

“Thank you,” Hisoka sighs in relief. “You really had me going…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, really.” 

Illumi walks over and gives Hisoka a hug, surprising Hisoka. But he hugs Illumi back, relaxing in his arms yet holding him tightly. Illumi’s okay. That’s all that matters. They stay there until Illumi pulls his head back to look at Hisoka.

“My grill cheese is done.” 

Hisoka kisses the tip of Illumi’s nose before letting go to plate his grill cheese. They take it to the living room where they sit to watch TV. Even more to Hisoka’s surprise, when Illumi finishes the grilled cheese, he lays his head in Hisoka's lap. Hisoka hesitantly starts to play with his hair, watching the show on the TV as he does. 

After some time passes, Hisoka turns off the TV. “Okay Illumi, I should take you back to your place.” The hotel room had become their ‘home.’ Illumi, however, doesn’t respond. “Illumi?” Hisoka looks at him and realizes he’s fallen asleep. He shakes his head and moves gently away from him before picking him up. He puts Illumi in his own bed since he doesn’t exactly have a guest bedroom. 

Hisoka then showers and gets ready for bed. He heads to the couch in the living room when Gon comes back in, dragging Killua behind him. 

“Fancy you two coming back so late,” Hisoka narrows his eyes. 

“Sor- wait why are you sleeping on the couch?” Gon asks.

“Illumi’s in my bed,” Hisoka shrugs.

“You’re mates why can’t you sleep together?” Killua frowns.

“Yeah, Killua and I do!” Gon chimes. 

Hisoka looks between them… They’re so childish. “Because… You two just get to bed or I’ll get you in trouble for being out so late.”

The two run off to Gon’s room and Hisoka sighs. They kind of have a point… Why doesn’t he just… Sleep with Illumi. No, he can’t. They’re adults, it’s different from Gon and Killua. But is it really? 

“Hisoka?” Illumi’s voice calls, it’s soft and confused. Hisoka quickly gets up and goes to his room. Illumi is sitting up, squinting his eyes a little. “Why aren’t you here?”

Hisoka opens his mouth to respond, but he doesn’t really have a reason. He just assumed Illumi wouldn’t want him to sleep with him. Was he really wrong? But Illumi and he still weren’t on the best terms… 

Hisoka sits on the edge of the bed. “Sorry…”

Illumi pulls off his pants before falling back into the bed. “Come,” he holds out his arms. 

Hisoka hesitantly joins him, Illumi instantly curls into him, putting his hands against his bare chest. “Goodnight Hisoka.”

“Goodnight Illumi,” Hisoka replies softly. Although Hisoka has a hard time falling asleep, trying to work out why Illumi would be letting him… Hisoka's mind is a mess all night.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a shorter chap sorryyy

“Hisoka,” says a soft voice. “Wake up.” 

Hisoka furrows his brow, feeling a hand playing with his hair. He opens his eyes, squinting up at Illumi who’s wide dark eyes are staring at him. 

“Morning…” Hisoka murmurs, closing his eyes again.

“Hisoka I’m bored,” Illumi says, his hand still in Hisoka’s hair. Hisoka sighs softly and opens his eyes again, looking at Illumi. He’s propped up on one elbow, looking intently upon Hisoka. 

“Then what do you propose we do?” 

Illumi hums thoughtfully. “I have an idea…”

“That is?”

“I can’t tell you. But we’re going back to my place,” Illumi suddenly pushes Hisoka off the bed, getting up himself and raiding Hisoka’s closet. Both surprised and lazy, Hisoka watches him from the ground. “Get up,” Illumi demands, hardly looking back at him. 

“Bossy,” Hisoka muses, slowly standing and walking over to Illumi. “What are you doing?”

“Picking out your outfit!” Illumi turns and shoves some clothes into his arms. “Change.” He continues rummage after however. Pulling out clothes that he himself changes into, a soft pink cropped hoodie with matching joggers. Hisoka puts on the clothes Illumi gave him, a grey turtleneck tank top and jeans. 

“Can I do my makeup?” Hisoka asks, glancing at himself in the mirror.

“If you put on the suspenders,” Illumi shrugs, pointing to the piece Hisoka deliberately left out. He gives Illumi a look before putting them on. He sits at his vanity and starts doing his makeup. Illumi sits on the bench beside him, watching with obvious curiosity. 

“Here,” Hisoka chuckles, he gently grabs Illumis cheeks with one hand. “Close your eyes.” Illumi obliges and Hisoka gently paints on a delicate winged liner. When Illumi opens his eyes, he inspects himself in the mirror. 

“Peculiar,” he murmurs. Hisoka laughs and finishes up the markings on his cheeks. 

“Do you want me to make breakfast?”

“Please!” Illumi nods, leaving to go into the kitchen.

Hisoka makes Illumi eggs but halfway through Illumi eating them, he’s scolded for not making any for himself. Illumi shoving the rest of his eggs over and forcing Hisoka to eat them. Hisoka only obliges because of the murderous gaze Illumi is giving. Then they head together to Illumi’s hotel room, Hisoka rather lost at what they were doing. 

The hotel room is empty, Machi gone and who knows where Killua and Gon were ever. 

“We’re gonna have a fashion show!” Illumi claps. 

“Sorry, we’re what now?” Hisoka raises an eyebrow as Illumi disappears and comes back rolling in a rack with a bunch of hanging clothes.

“You’re gonna be my model!” 

Hisoka doesn’t have the slightest idea how he started walking in heels or how he modeled furry coats and patterned pants and lingerie and silly hats. But he did. He kept walking out in each outfit Illumi gave him. At some point, he believes he’s mastered the model walk. A confident, quick paced, stride. Right after his realization of mastering the model walk, he had demanded music because what’s a fashion show without it. Illumi made no comment on any of the outfits, but Hisoka could see how happy he is, despite his practically expressionless face. His eyes brimming with joy. 

“Last one!” Hisoka hums, putting on high waisted, dark purple toned, skin-tight pants with golden markings in them, big red boots, and a coat that’s basically red sleeves with a huge fur collar. Hisoka slides on the purple sunglasses and walks out. He strikes his last pose and Illumi starts clapping. 

“You should become a model too,” Illumi says, standing up and walking over, gently fluffing the fur from the coat. 

“I think you’re the only one who enjoys it,” Hisoka chuckles. 

“You have a good body for it. Small waist, broad shoulders, you really pull these looks to life. Plus you’re fit,” Illumi taps his chest with a knuckle. “You’re beautiful.”

Hisoka leans in close. “Glad you think so,” he says in a whispery tone.

“Don’t get full of yourself,” Illumi retorts. “I’m just stating what anyone would.”

“Mhm?” Hisoka moves himself closer so that his lips brush Illumi’s. Illumi places two fingers over Hisoka’s lips, pushing him away. 

“Go change back into your other clothes before you ruin my beautiful creations,” Illumi says and Hisoka laughs, walking back to where he had left them. When he’s finished changing, he walks back out and freezes slightly, seeing Chrollo with Illumi. 

“What’s he doing here?” Hisoka’s entire demeanour changes, becoming hostile. He and Illumi had been having such an amazing time… Alone together. They almost kissed, they slept in the same bed, they had made progress. Yet now he’s here…

“Oh! I texted him, I want him to try on some of the outfits too. Get a different perspective of them.” Illumi replies.

“I didn’t mean to intrude on you two,” Chrollo smiles softly.

“No need to worry, I was just on my way out anyway,” Hisoka seethes.

“You were?” Illumi almost sounds disappointed. “Don’t you want to see Chrollo in them?”

“I am quite alright. See you Illumi,” Hisoka rather rudely leaves the room, curling his hands into fists. How could he have been so naive? Illumi didn’t want Hisoka over to spend time together, he just needed Hisoka to see what his outfits would look like. And how could Illumi think Hisoka wanted to spend time with or see Chrollo? Hisoka couldn’t exactly explain why they stayed the night together but clearly, it was just for Illumi’s benefit. Not that Hisoka could blame Illumi, Hisoka wasn’t exactly a person anyone wanted to really be friends with. 

Hisoka was gross. His past was gross. Illumi did not need him… No, maybe Illumi deserved a rich, beautiful, man like Chrollo… One who wasn’t so tainted. The thought made Hisoka’s blood run cold. Hisoka was rich, questionable on the beautiful, and he was an artist, like Chrollo… But he doubted Chrollo had the past Hisoka had. Illumi didn’t deserve someone as messed up as Hisoka. Illumi deserved the best. So if Illumi found pleasure in using Hisoka, he wouldn’t be the first. 

Hisoka frowns, why couldn’t he be someone worthy of Illumi? Even Illumi wanted him to prove himself… He’s useless…

Hisoka finds himself sitting on a park bench, watching people go by. Parents with kids too young to be in school walking about, elderly people reading or walking with their canes, a few college students gathered in the grass. It was pretty peaceful here. However, Hisoka’s mind was anything but peaceful. 

“You’re giving off some pretty bad vibes, the kids are gonna be scared of you,” Machi says, sitting next to him.

“I don’t like kids,” Hisoka scrunches up his nose. “Not little little ones.” He explains while he watches a toddler scamper by.

“We have that in common,” Machi muses. “So, have you and Illumi fucked yet?” Hisoka gives Machi a dark look and she snickers. “I’m just trying to help your relationship… I have a hunch something bad is gonna happen to Illumi soon. You better not be the one to cause it and you better be comforting him when it does.”

“A hunch?”

“Yes, a hunch.”

“You know what, I’m not going to question it.” 

“Good. Wanna get coffee?”

Despite the two being more or less on each other's throats the whole time they spoke, bickering over whatever they spoke of, they both had a good time. They were becoming what one may say, the most of unlikely of friends.


	13. Chapter 13

Hisoka makes his way back home from class, drenched in sweat from how the teacher had worked them today. He hadn’t spoken to Illumi in a little while, Machi informing Hisoka that Illumi had been spending a lot of time with Chrollo. That made Hisoka’s blood boil. Even when he texted Illumi, he hardly got response, besides a quick ‘I’m with Chrollo,’ it drove Hisoka mad. He constantly had the battle in his head that Chrollo was better for Illumi than him. 

Walking into his apartment it’s eerily quiet, the boys not being here after school yet. Figures… They tended to go out for adventures anyway. He showers, trying to relax. Rain started to patter on his window and he watches for a while before heading to the TV. He just wanted to relax. 

Gon and Killua he assumes are at the hotel when they don’t return after a couple of hours. A knock on the door makes him frown. He wasn’t expecting anyone… Especially at this time. It was midnight now… 

Hisoka opens the door to find Illumi completely drenched in rain, the tip of his nose bright red and his eyes a little puffy. Was he… Crying? 

Illumi hesitates before holding his arms open, not looking at Hisoka. Hisoka hugs him tightly, ignoring the cold wet rain on Illumi. 

“It’ll be okay,” Hisoka says softly, cradling the man close to him. Illumi burying his face into Hisoka. Hisoka holds him tightly for a little while, feeling Illumi cry into him. “Come inside okay?” Hisoka is very gentle when he moves Illumi into his apartment. Unsure of what to do first. Well, no, first he needs to get Illumi out of these clothes so he doesn’t get sick.

Illumi is still crying, not talking to Hisoka, just kind of standing, unsure. Hisoka gently tells him what to do, helping him out of his clothes then patting him dry with a towel. Illumi looking completely… broken. Hisoka has no idea what could have happened, but he didn’t want to ask. Illumi would tell him if he wanted. Machi did say something bad was going to happen… 

Hisoka pulls a hoodie over Illumi’s head before sitting him on his bed. He takes a hairbrush and gently begins taking it through Illumi’s hair. He hums softly, every so often reminding Illumi that it would be okay. Once he had brushed through Illumi’s hair, he does two braids. He had learned while in the orphanage, the girls always wanted him to care for their hair. Hisoka has always used his charms, of course, they’d want him to do their hair. 

When he’s finished, he notices Illumi’s tears have stopped. “I’ll make you something to eat, okay? Whatever you like.”

“I don’t like rainy season here,” Illumi says softly, his voice shaky, looking out the window by Hisoka’s bed. “Makes things more sad…”

“Hmm, does it? Rain is supposed to symbolize purity… new beginnings… I think it’s just the way you look at it,” Hisoka replies, following his gaze out the window.

“I’ll… have a grill cheese,” Illumi looks to Hisoka and Hisoka smiles.

“That I can do.”

They sit together in the kitchen, Illumi sipping hot chocolate Hisoka had made him before the grill cheese. The sleeves of Hisoka’s hoodie covering his fingers and just covering the tops of the man's thighs. Hisoka’s mind flickers to an image of Illumi in the infamous virgin killer sweater and he quickly turns around to the grill cheese, how could he have that kind of thought when Illumi is still upset? 

“Hisoka why did you never ask why I am upset?” Illumi’s voice is still quiet, on edge of crying again. 

“You’ll talk about it if you want to,” Hisoka shrugs, plating the grill cheese and sliding the plate over to Illumi before sitting down. Illumi looks at it, his eyes clouded over, thinking about something. 

“Can I stay the night here?”

“It’s three am Illumi, I didn’t think you’d go back to your hotel now.”

Illumi nods a little. “Thank you, Hisoka.”

“Of course, Illumi.” 

There remains a peaceful silence between them. Hisoka holding one of Illumi’s hands as he finishes the food. Illumi has delicately long fingers and soft skin, pretty hands, making pretty things. Illumi is pretty… 

“I was supposed to have a show for my most recent collection,” Illumi begins suddenly. “That’s what I had you try on. I sent the pieces back home because my mother-” he chokes up a little and Hisoka squeezes his hand. “She said she wanted to make sure they were worthy of the Zoldyck name… But instead, she burned the whole collection.”

Hisoka doesn’t ask why she did, instead, he gives Illumi a hug. Pulling him desperately close, wanting Illumi to know he was here. Here for him. 

“I wanna go to bed now,” Illumi is so close to tears, Hisoka quickly obliges, holding his hand on the way. Hisoka gently pulls him into bed with him and it’s only moments before Illumi is asleep, he must be exhausted. 

Hisoka only wishing there could have been something more he could have done. 

***

Hisoka took Illumi back to the hotel shortly after they had woken up so that Illumi could talk to Machi. Illumi didn’t cry again. There were no tears shed when he told Machi, or Chrollo when the damn man arrived. Hisoka has no idea why he needs to be here but he made Illumi happier so he accepted it for Illumi’s sake.

“How 'bout a game of cards?” Hisoka suggests when the awkwardness becomes apparent. 

“You already think you’re going to win…” Machi narrows her eyes.

“Oh, I always win in cards,” Hisoka smirks. “Got a deck?”

Machi finds one and the four sit together, Hisoka dramatically shuffles as they ponder over a game. They decide on Euchre, Machi and Chrollo partnering and Illumi and Hisoka. 

The game runs wild. Turns out Chrollo doesn’t like losing cards either. Both fighting for tricks. But Hisoka, he never lost in cards. 

Naturally, he and Illumi win the game, Chrollo making an annoyed tsk as Hisoka smiles deviously, collecting the last trick. Though Hisoka is quite excited he had such a tough partner to play against. 

“You should be more careful when betting on something like that,” Hisoka offers Chrollo, shuffling the deck more for his own pleasure rather than to really shuffle it. 

“Yes,” Chrollo’s eyes linger on Illumi and then flicker back to Hisoka. “I should be, shouldn’t I?” 

Hisoka notices and he narrows his eyes. “Yes… I don’t normally lose.”

“Neither do I.”

Innocent Illumi hardly notices the tension between them. Fortunately, Machi does, aggressively standing so the attention went to her. “I think we should go out boys! What do ya say to a day out?”

Well, now that just sounds boring… “Sorry but I must be off, I have to practice for my showcase today. So, see ya!”

Hisoka leaves the hotel, a little frustrated with Chrollo but not saying anything for Illumi’s sake. Especially after what just happened, Illumi didn’t need to be more upset. But Chrollo rubbed off in all the wrong ways and the way he looked at Illumi…

Despite that, he really did have showcase practice this afternoon, something he couldn’t miss. Dress rehearsal…

The costume felt all wrong. After wearing Illumi’s perfect costumes, this particular costume made him look just… mediocre. He glances at the new partner he had chosen. No one of real importance… okay, that sounded horrible. But she really was just some girl who he knew would do anything for him. Although he didn’t predict how attached to him she would get.   
Jal would probably wash his feet with her hair if he asked… 

“Hisoka? Are you ready?” Jal asks, already all dressed in a pretty purple costume, her skirt flowing nicely around her. Hisoka smiles down at her and takes her hand, leading her out to stage where everyone is taking their places.

They get in place and the music starts and they perform. 

Top dance school creating the most beautiful performances… Hisoka could feel their unison, the way they moved as one, breathing the same air and feeling, drinking, seeing, the same rhythm. A beautiful moment. 

Hisoka knew his place here, here in a dance. Dancing expresses so many things he just needed to… The song ends and he’s well aware of their perfect performance to the empty room. Hisoka quickly walks to the professor, desperation clear in his eyes.

“I-I know I’m supposed to stay, I’ll practice with Jal alone if I need to, I just really… Need to go,” Hisoka looks at him and the normally hard professor softens. 

“Go on,” he says. 

Aggressively pulling off his costume, walking backstage, Hisoka is a mess. He practically runs to the studio he always uses. Hisoka just wanted- no, needed, to dance, to show his emotions in the best way he knew how. He starts the music as soon as he’s in the room and the man dances. Beautifully, showing his care for Illumi. Aggressively, to show his anger at Chrollo. Sadly, to express how he felt about himself… He danced many styles, whatever the rhythm told him. 

Finally, he stops, looking at himself in the mirror, heaving like a dog. He had danced for god knows how long, his feet burned. But he didn’t want to stop… He had so much left to express…

He jolts a little when he hears applause. Turning around, Illumi, Machi, and Chrollo are sitting on one of the couches in the back. Hisoka hadn’t even noticed them come in…

“Illumi wanted to see your rehearsal… But your professor said you left after the first run through,” Machi gives him a look.

“I knew you’d be here,” Illumi adds, moving to turn down the music. “You like it here.” 

Hisoka grabs his water bottle and towel, taking a swig and wiping away the sweat from his forehead and back of his neck. How long were they watching?

“You really are one of the best dancers, Hisoka,” Chrollo says finally. “You gave me some inspiration… Illumi mentioned you would, but I wasn’t quite expecting this.” The look Chrollo gave to Illumi before, was one Hisoka felt he was being bored down with now. 

“Ah… Thanks, I do have my charms,” he brushes aside the compliment, walking to the couch. 

“You danced for like… half an hour straight since we got here. That’s like the hardest workout I’ve seen someone do, how ya feeling?” Machi teases and Hisoka gives her a look. His body is physically exhausted but his mind is telling him he has so much more to express. Then Machi gave him a colder look. “You shouldn’t leave an important rehearsal like that.”

“I know… I just had to dance…” Hisoka murmurs, glancing at their reflections in the mirror. “It’s nothing… Let’s go back to my place yeah? I’ll make a killer dinner.”


	14. Chapter 14

Feeding them all, plus Gon and Killua, and occasionally Kurapika and Leorio started becoming a trend in Hisoka’s day. They were always asking him to make dinner and he didn’t mind too much. He enjoyed the moments of silence, or gently bopping along to quiet music while making the dish.

Although, it did annoy him how much Chrollo continued to appear. Machi seemed to have no problem with him, she didn’t even give him the rude remarks she gave Hisoka. Lucky man. Avoiding her taunts is a miracle.

“You don’t normally get bright colours,” Machi notes, looking at Hisoka's hands.

“Sorry, what? Oh, my nails?” Hisoka raises a hand, looking at his nails. He normally got a beige polish, but he decided to go with a maroon colour this time.

“You should take Illumi with you next time,” she suggests, looking to where he and Chrollo are talking about fabrics. “He’d really enjoy that.”

“You think?” Hisoka hums, eyes trained on Illumi. 

“I know,” Machi tuts, whisking away into the room she slept in and no one else was allowed to step foot in. Leaving Hisoka with Chrollo and Illumi who were almost too close. 

“Hisoka,” Illumi holds up two big rolls of fabric. “Which one?”

“What is it for?”

“Choose one,” Illumi hisses. 

“Blue,” Hisoka watches as Illumi goes back to discussion with Chrollo. He sighs and moves onto his phone, sliding onto the couch, one leg resting on the top, the other over the edge and his head threatening to fall off the seat. It is that one comfortable position, the one you only pull off at home or with someone you know well. Scrolling through his social media that had many more followers than he really realized. Sometimes it dawned on him how big a following he really had, but rarely since he didn’t go on much. Although, agents had started reaching out to him recently, both through school and his social media. He should probably start looking… Nah, they’ll tell him what to do too much. 

Machi plops dramatically on the couch beside him, making him lose grip on his phone and it falls onto his nose. He glares over at Machi as it falls with a thud to the ground.

“Your fault,” Machi shrugs.

“Bitch.”

“Slut.”

“Asswipe.”

“Dick.”

“Whore.”

“Sadist.”

“Can’t argue there.”

Hisoka doubles over, falling off the couch as Machi plants a solid fist into his gut. 

“Are you two done?” Illumi stands over Hisoka, looking down at him as he recovers from Machi. He closes his eyes instead, limbs awkwardly lying in every which direction after falling. 

“I think she killed me,” Hisoka groans. Another hard hit to his gut makes him jolt, looking up to see Illumi had dug his heel into the same place.

“I think you’re okay,” Illumi’s eyes flash devilishly.

“Okay that’s it,” Hisoka clambers up and Illumi’s eyes realize what he’s doing and he runs. “Hey! I’m not done with you!” Hisoka chases after him. 

They run around the living room, then the kitchen, and then into Illumi’s room where Hisoka successfully tackles Illumi onto the bed. Illumi’s playful gaze has Hisoka in a frenzy. Illumi squirms underneath him and smacks a pillow so hard into Hisoka’s side the pillow bursts, feathers flying everywhere. Hisoka is frozen, completely stunned as feathers fly around them daintily.

Then Illumi’s clear laughter chimes through the air. 

Hisoka had never seen Illumi laugh. Or even smile that big. But the sound is music to Hisoka. Feathers fall around them, falling in Illumi’s hair, their white colour standing out against his dark hair. One brushes his cheek as he giggles up at Hisoka, his laughter fading. Hisoka desperately wants to hear more. Don’t stop laughing… Please. Illumi you’re so beautiful, Hisoka’s thoughts are so focused on the man below him.

“Hisoka,” Illumi raises a hand to his cheek. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

Nothing could contain Hisoka as he kisses Illumi. But Illumi kisses back, placing a hand on his chest. Hisoka takes that as an invitation, placing one hand on Illumi’s waist as he trails kisses down the other man's neck. Illumi suddenly pushes Hisoka off him and Hisoka frowns, looking at him, but he’s looking at the door which is open a crack still from their previous chase. 

Illumi looks back at Hisoka. “Sorry I ju-” he giggles again, the musical sound Hisoka would never tire of. “You’ve got a little something,” Illumi reaches over and pulls a feather out of Hisoka’s hair. 

Hisoka places a lingering kiss on Illumi’s forehead before leaving Illumi laying alone among the feathers.

Of course, it hurt Hisoka that Illumi would push him off like that. But he’d respect Illumi’s wishes. Obviously, he was uncomfortable that the door was open, not that Chrollo or Machi should care what they do. Chrollo and Machi are on the couch when Hisoka walks back out, once again talking about fabrics.

“Why is there a sudden interest in fabric?” Hisoka leans on the back of the couch, looking at them.

“I want to do a painting using some,” Chrollo explains. “I’m wondering what kind I should use.”

Hisoka nods in response and glances back as he hears Illumi leave the room. He laughs lightly and walks over, picking feathers out of his hair. 

“Your fault,” Illumi hums, copying Machi’s words from before, as though he wants to start their chase all over again. 

“You hit me… Twice,” Hisoka raises an eyebrow. “I think I deserve a break.”

“No you don’t,” Killua’s voice comes from the doorway. “But Gon thinks you do.” In both boys arms are bags of take-out food. Dinner. Hisoka smiles widely, realizing Gon had thought to give him a break from cooking.

They set out the food on the table in front of the TV and put it on for background noise as they sit together, eating the Chinese food the boys had brought back. Hisoka goes to get a drink and when he comes back he smiles a little, looking over everyone sitting together. He leans on the doorframe, watching them.

Whether he liked it or not, they had become a little bit of a family. He kind of needed that… He never had a family… Gon had had his aunt, Illumi and Killua had an entire family back home, Machi being close to the Zoldycks got that too. Chrollo he wasn’t sure. But Hisoka never had a family… He had the circus, full of performers who disliked him because he could too easily surpass him. And then he had the orphanage of kids who he practically raised, no one to look after him. But here, Gon bringing back the food, shows he has at least one person looking out for him. 

Killua turns the TV to the music channel and glances at Hisoka. “Are you just gonna stand there?”

Hisoka shakes his head and pushes himself up off the wall. The song playing makes him smile a little and he does a horrible dab, making Gon and Killua cry out in protest. 

“What? Would you rather me floss?”

“Oh please no,” Gon whines. “You’re so old, you’re not allowed.”

Hisoka chokes on his water. “Did you just call me old?”

“You’re old,” Killua adds and Hisoka holds a hand over his heart.

“You play cards and dance, you’re old,” Machi shrugs. 

“Fuck you all too,” Hisoka plops back down on the floor, smiling at the thought that he has finally found a family.


	15. Chapter 15

Gon’s eyes are trained on Hisoka, much to Hisoka’s dismay. Gon had been questioning him for the past half hour about Illumi. It was not a good time. Gon had no sense of logic, everything he said goes. So trying to explain why Hisoka and Illumi weren’t really together is difficult. Very difficult. Gon just kept pressing, Hisoka is determined to keep his cool.

Finally, Killua interrupts, walking into the house and pulling Gon off with him. Thank goodness. This one time, he is hardly angry with the kid for pulling Gon away. Such a stubborn boy. Hisoka gets ready for class, the last class before the showcase. The class had a more intense practice than rehearsal, everyone’s adrenaline high, excited. The showcase only days away. Hisoka had the ballet dance, a dance with the hip hop class, one with the contemporary, and a solo. Although ballet was the class he was going into the showcase with, due to his professors telling him it was his best choice, hip hop and contemporary both wanted him and how could he say no? But the stress was starting to build on him. Even with his flawless dancing, he had to memorize so much choreo… He’s Hisoka, he can do it.

He stays the rest of the day at school in his favourite room. Practicing and practicing, something he rarely did for performances. This one, however, he isn’t sure why it feels so different. Maybe because so many scouts were here… But that doesn’t make sense. Hisoka looks at his sweaty, tired, yet still perfect, poise in the mirror. He wouldn’t let himself be anything but perfect. This showcase was his. To show off him. Of course, he knew it was for the school, but each student thought the same. This is the time to shine as a dance student. Your chance to show the best dancers in the world their upcoming competition. 

Hisoka needed to shine more than ever before. A smirk plays onto his lips, looking at himself in the mirror. What a wonderful challenge. 

When he leaves the studio, he’s weak at the knees from the hours of practice. His body will hate him tomorrow… Whatever, the practice was needed. However, his legs carry him to the hotel. He wanted to tell Illumi how stressed he is. He wants Illumi to comfort him… His legs carry him to the hotel while his mind tells him to turn around. Illumi wouldn’t care. Illumi won’t want to comfort Hisoka or hear about his problems. He has no reason to listen either. But Hisoka wants Illumi to hug him, tell him his performance will be perfect no matter what.

Why? Why did Hisoka suddenly want that from Illumi? He could tell Gon… No, he didn’t feel comfortable telling Gon. Or anyone. Besides Illumi. Illumi is the only one he trusts with his hardship. The only one he’s willing to tell. The only one he wants to tell and have comfort from. 

His soulmate.

Hisoka walks straight into the hotel room and the scene in front of him makes his heart sink. Chrollo has Illumi pressed against the wall, kissing Illumi. Hisoka shuts the door all too quickly. His heart feels as though it’s stopped yet going a million miles a minute. Every muscle inside him hurts, every motion as his body runs from the scene.

He feels as though he walked in on a crime scene, a murder. Yes… The murder of his soul. He thinks his name was called behind him, he thinks maybe he passed Machi on the way out, he thinks he may have knocked over a woman on his mad dash. But he couldn’t be sure. Everything is a blur until he gets to his apartment, safely in his room, where the rest of the world couldn’t see him.   
Dropping his bag, he walks into the bathroom, turning the water way too hot, hoping he would feel it as his body has gone numb. He sits on the ground of his bathtub, still fully clothed as the water beat down on him. Trying to feel anything other than this pain. This pain eating away at his chest. 

Suddenly tears were streaming down his cheeks. He could only feel the pain though, the scene replaying over and over in his mind. Why would Illumi…? 

Hisoka has no idea how long he’s under the burning water, but long enough for Gon to come knocking on the door telling him he’s taking too long a shower with another smaller, ‘are you okay’ following the scolding. 

“Fine, Gon,” Hisoka manages out, turning off the water. “Just thinking.” 

Numbness was all Hisoka felt, the pain there still, but muted. Cold and numb. The only thing he could describe how his body felt. When he peels off his wet clothes, however, his back is bright red from the too hot water. But he hardly pays mind, walking back out into his room and falling onto his bed, letting himself fall asleep. 

***

“Hisoka? You can’t stay in bed all day,” Gon says on the other side of Hisoka’s bedroom door. “What’s gotten into you? Killua says Machi is gonna come drag you out.”

Hisoka had no motivation to leave his bed after he woke up. Gon had already gone and come back from school. He heard Killua and Gon play video games for a while before Gon came to talk to him. His phone had rung many times over the course of the day, he never answered. Nor did he answer any texts. Or even pick up his phone. 

“Okay well, Machi is coming over. And she isn’t going to be as nice as I am,” Gon sighs and Hisoka listens as he walks away. Hisoka had been stuck in his head all day, replaying every moment with Illumi in his head. 

What had he done wrong? He had been trying and trying to redeem himself, he gave everything to Illumi. So why did Illumi do that? What is wrong with Hisoka? Maybe Illumi found out about his past, saw what a disgusting human he was… 

For the first time since crashing last night, Hisoka stands up, pulling on sweats and grabbing his deck of cards. Shuffling and shuffling to let his hands do something will his thoughts ran wild.  
Everything kept coming back to his big ego covering his gross past. Something along there turned Illumi away. Illumi simply had been using him, not wanting a soulmate from the beginning. 

Machi storms into his room without warning, looking like shit, to say the least. 

“I thought you would have had alcohol,” she mutters, sitting next to him after shutting the door behind her. 

“I thought you came here to yell at me,” Hisoka’s voice croaks a little since he hadn’t spoken in a little bit and had been crying on and off all day.

“No, I’m here to cry with you,” Machi mutters, leaning her head on Hisoka’s shoulder. “I asked what happened… Illumi said Chrollo kissed him and I ran out too.”

“Why?” Hisoka stops shuffling, suddenly something other than pain sparking inside him for a second.

“Chrollo is my soulmate,” she spread her hands in front of them. “And he’s too fucking blind to see it.”

Hisoka drank in the information. So they both were played by their soulmates. 

“Where did you stay last night?” Hisoka frowns. 

“You apartment lobby,” she mutters. “I saw Chrollo’s tattoos, he never saw mine or knows I saw his. So I figured he’d come ‘round, y’know? Soulmates are meant for each other, so I figured in time, he’d fall for me… But he only ever had eyes for Illumi.” 

“Shit Machi, I’m sorry.” 

“Can we go out tonight and get really, really, really drunk?”

“That sounds lovely.”

The two got dressed and ready as though nothing was wrong. Wearing clothes meant to impress, makeup meant to make others jealous, and egos to make people want more. Both of them really feeling the cold, the numbness inside, the pain. Not that either let it show as they went to the club. Dancing up on anyone willing, drinking more than allowed, and trying to not give a care in the world. 

Hisoka and Machi are both a mess by the end of the night. Somehow, Hisoka had gotten them home, however, back to his apartment where their drunk selves wake up Gon and Killua all too easily. They stumble around, laughing too much, speaking too loud.

“What the hell?” Killua looks at them and Machi throws her arms around him.

“Hey, lil’ buddy…” She trails off, giggling away. 

Hisoka tries leaning on the couch but falls, causing Machi and him to laugh. Neither of them are in the right mind before they went drinking, now they were just…

“Let’s get them to bed…” Gon says and somehow the two boys managed to get Machi and Hisoka drinking water and curled up together on the couch. Leaving them there to fend for themselves after they refused to stop making fun of Gon and Killua. Not that they would ever do this any other time, but at the moment, they both understood where the other was. The pain the other felt.

“I’m so sorry… You basically got rejected by Illumi twice… I can’t imagine…” Machi whispers suddenly, as though she had sobered up in seconds. Hisoka tightens his grip around her and doesn’t respond at first, his brain unable to process.

“Maybe we should just elope,” Hisoka suggests, running a hand through her hair.

“Yeah,” Machi giggles. “Great idea. Too bad we’re too emotionally attached to those boys to ever truly be able to run away from them.”

Hisoka looks at her, her eyes trained up on him, her pain as clear to him in her eyes as his own pain felt to him. “You have a point.”

“Oh trust me, I know how it is. You get so used to their every movement, their expressions, their laugh, the way they look at something they enjoy, the way their voice wavers when they don’t know… the way he smiles, the way he touches you as though you’re one of the most beautiful art pieces in the world yet he has eyes on another…”

“The way he asks for something he knows you don’t wanna do, the way he teases you, the way he’s so childish yet mature at the same time.”

The two of them look at each other again and Machi holds Hisoka’s hand, squeezing as he watches her start to cry.

“I never want to talk to either of them again,” she whispers.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you all deserve Illumi's POV (sorry it's shorter cause it's just to explain the scene from his POV)... ALSO I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS SO MUCH THANKS OKAY BYE

Illumi’s POV

 

“Oh yes, come over please,” He nods into the phone.

“Alright, I’ll see you in a few,” Chrollo says over the line before hanging up. Illumi gets back to work on the piece he was designing. Hisoka would probably not come over, or want company today since he is practicing for his showcase. Perfect time to work on this piece… A piece just for him. Illumi asked Chrollo over to help give an outward eye. Illumi isn’t sure how else to show how much he cares for Hisoka, so he thought making him a new costume would work. It is full of beautiful turquoises and soft creamy whites. Illumi wants Hisoka to feel as confident as he always portrays himself. 

Something told Illumi the ego is more of a mask to something deeper. Half true, half covering up something. Hisoka always threatened to bring smiles to his face. The way he would smooth his way over any situation, the way his voice would send shivers down Illumi’s spine, the way his fingers delicately touched Illumi… Illumi shakes his head, pinning the piece up on the mannequin. He takes a step back, really imagining Hisoka in it so far… Hisoka would probably glide across the floor, and put an arm around his waist and pull him way too close…

Illumi jumps as there’s a knock on the door, he looks over and Chrollo walks in.

“C’mere,” Illumi beckons, waving his hand wildly for Chrollo to come over. 

Chrollo comes to his side and looks at the unfinished piece on the mannequin. He feels the fabric then glances at Illumi. “For Hisoka?”

Illumi nods. “So?”

“Why are you so obsessed with him?”

The question catches Illumi off guard. “Sorry?” Illumi looks at Chrollo, blinking a few times. What kind of question was that? Chrollo moves closer and Illumi backs up in response, Hisoka is the only one he let get close like this… Close with that tension, the kind where he was going to be kissed. Illumi finds his back against the wall.

“What’s so good about Hisoka? What makes him make you so crazy…? Why does he get your attention? What makes him perfect?” Chrollo hums, leaning in closer.

Illumi closes his eyes, trying to figure out how to respond when suddenly Chrollo’s lips are on his. Illumi can hardly wrap his head around the situation when the door slams and he pushes Chrollo away. Illumi runs to the door, throwing it open to see Hisoka walking away. His body looks worn down, his back slouched, something Hisoka never did.

“Hisoka!” Illumi calls desperately but the man is out of his vision in seconds. 

“Good, he’s gone,” Chrollo mutters. “Illumi-”

“He’s my soulmate!” Illumi cries out. 

Chrollo’s expression falls. “Illumi, I’m so sorry… I didn’t realize…”

“Hey, what happened? Why did Hisoka walk out of here looking like he saw death?” Machi glances down the hall before looking back at Illumi. 

“Chrollo kissed me,” Illumi says and he watches Machi’s face fall too. Her gaze flickers to Chrollo, pain written all over and then she runs away too. “Machi!”

“I had given up on finding my mate…” Chrollo says, his voice pained. “That’s why I pursued you… But I think I just found her…” 

“Leave,” Illumi practically growls and Chrollo wastes no time in leaving the hotel room. 

Illumi sits on the couch, and it’s not sure how long it takes him before he notices the tears falling onto his hands. He gets up and looks in a mirror to find himself crying. Why is he crying? Why does Hisoka mean so much to him? Soulmates were not supposed to be such a burden… No Hisoka isn’t a burden. Hisoka deserves better than this. 

Hisoka deserves better than the man looking back at Illumi in the mirror. The one who can’t figure out why it hurts so much, why he’s crying. Hisoka doesn’t deserve the man who told him he didn’t want a soulmate.

Hisoka deserves another perfect man. Not the man looking back at Illumi… Not him…


	17. Chapter 17

Machi hadn’t gone back to the hotel room since the incident. Instead, she slept on the couch and ate tubs of ice cream angrily. Chrollo had been messaging and calling her for the past few days but she didn’t pick up a single one. Hisoka sighs as he watches her turn down another call. 

Illumi hadn’t reached out to Hisoka at all. For some reason, that hurt him even more. His showcase is tomorrow and he had an underlying feeling Illumi wouldn’t be there. Not only that, he feel like he can’t dance. How can he when all he feels is pain. His nerves for the showcase mixed with the pain and numbness… He hadn’t eaten or hardly slept the past few days. He can’t bring himself to really do anything. 

Gon occasionally brought home some snacks he tried to make Machi and Hisoka eat but both needed to work their way out of their sadness. Killua seems frustrated by the whole ordeal too. Gon mentioned Illumi wasn’t talking to Killua. 

What Hisoka thought may have been his family… 

A mess.

“Your showcase is tomorrow,” Machi sniffles, showing she has been crying again. “You should probably try to sleep.”

“Mmm,” Hisoka hums, sitting next to her. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You’re in a worse state than me Hisoka. Eat something and then rest up, tomorrow is important,” Machi scolds. “Tomorrow you could really be scouted for something huge. People already want you, now they’re going to want you more.”

Hisoka looks over her. “There’s only one person who I want to want me, and he doesn’t.”

Machi sighs and her phone rings again, Chrollo. 

“He put two and two together a little late,” Machi mutters, watching it ring. 

Hisoka kisses her forehead and walks to his room, getting ready for bed but never actually sleeping.

***

Hisoka’s makeup was done to perfection, not a hair out of place. He looks at the other dancers, everyone buzzing around, wanting to be on stage. Hisoka is also itching to dance. But not for the same reasons as the others. Hisoka wants to dance just to dance. To feel the rhythm deep within him and let all his feelings out.

He had the opening dance with his ballet class and the closing dance with his solo, his solo merged out of another group. Hisoka is ready to go. Ready to feel the thrum. He slips on his ballet shoes and then finds his partner.

The crowd means nothing to him while he walks on stage. Their silence welcomed. He doesn’t look into the crowd, knowing full well he’d be disappointed. Illumi won’t be here to watch. Killua, Machi, and Gon were, however, and he could not be happier for their support. Even Kurapika and Leorio were here, coming to see him before he has disappeared backstage. But the one he wants to be performing for… He isn’t here. 

Hisoka begins the ballet, the feeling of the music overwhelming him, allowing him to forget everything else. He performs, perfectly, so perfectly everyone’s attention constantly went back to him. Not that he notices, he’s just dancing out all his emotions. 

He walks off stage and changes quickly into his next costume. He feels suffocated by it, despite it being flowy material, it’s not made by Illumi and that’s all he could think about. Illumi… This isn’t Illumi’s work on him.

“Hisoka? Hey breathe, you’re doing great, here,” a classmate says, shoving water into his hand. Hisoka sips it and the classmate is gone before he’s even done. Everyone backstage is too busy to really pay his panicked form any mind. 

“You’re on again, let’s go,” the professor urges Hisoka and he gets in line with the next set of dancers.

Once again, he performs all too perfectly. Two more outfit changes and the showcase is done for him… He can do it. He will do it. He changes again and goes out to dance. Pulling everyone’s gazes. 

He runs offstage, only given moments to change. However, the outfit he changes into isn’t the costume that had been originally prepared for him. Not that he has any time to look at what he’s putting on since he has to go back on for his solo- now! Hisoka slips on the last piece with the help of another classmate and runs out. Finishing the hip hop dance and merging into his solo.

Then the stage is his. 

Everything suddenly feels so right. His form feels so perfect, the rhythm coursing in his veins and this costume--he knew as he began to dance, this is Illumi’s work. Hisoka gave the crowd one of the most dazzling performances he has ever done. If Illumi got the costume to him, maybe, just maybe, he’s in the crowd. Maybe he’s watching right now. Maybe he can make Illumi want him with this dance. 

Hisoka gives his all and more. Wanting Illumi to see. Why does he still want Illumi so bad? He can’t explain… But he isn’t mad at Illumi, just upset. Unbearably upset. But no, he still wants Illumi. Even after that betrayal. He just wants Illumi to want him.

Hisoka’s chest heaves as he finishes and then he quickly scans the crowd, again and again. Illumi has to be here. Please let him be here. Hisoka catches glimpse of the unforgettable silky black hair leaving and his heart sinks all over again.

The dance must not have been enough.

Despite the standing ovation, Hisoka feels ripped apart. He gives his best smile to the crowd, bowing with his classes, and then on his own. His heart felt like it shattered. The numbness engulfing him. 

He isn’t enough. He isn’t good enough. He never was. Not for Illumi.

Officials came to him, handing him business card after business card, Hisoka took them all, acting on his best behaviour despite how he feels. When the important people are through, Gon hugs him tightly. 

“Hisoka you were brilliant!” Gon smiles.

“From all of us,” Machi adds, handing him a bouquet of flowers. Hisoka allows himself the moment of pride and happiness. His family, yes, his true family, is here to support him. Leorio drives them back to his apartment where Hisoka finally takes the time to look at the costume Illumi had made.

It’s… It’s more perfect than all the others. If that’s even possible.

Turquoises and nice cream colours made the piece. It fit in all the right places and it made Hisoka look like more than he is. Hisoka looks like… He looks like more than just a god. No wonder everyone wanted to give him their cards, no matter how he danced, they probably would want him for the way he looked.

Hisoka is hesitant to change, being gentle with the costume. He pulls on some other clothes and goes to celebrate with the others. Celebrating his performance while inside, Hisoka feels as though the world is closing in on him.


	18. Chapter 18

Hisoka grew increasingly annoyed by Machi’s ringing phone. She wouldn’t put it on silent, but she wouldn’t pick up either. Chrollo had started calling at the same time every day for the past three days. Machi is notably doing better while Hisoka is continuing to struggle. He didn’t go to class since the showcase, he knows there will be endless praise, but to him, he didn’t do good enough. 

None of their praise would help the way he feels. 

He aggressively presses the end call on Machi’s phone while they sit together in the kitchen.

“Hisoka, you’re kinda starting to worry me,” Machi says slowly.

“What?”

“It’s been six days since you’ve slept or eaten properly.”

Hisoka gives her a glare and storms out of the apartment. He did not need to be lectured on his heath, he has more important thoughts… Illumi. He finds himself stuck in his apartment lobby, looking out at the rain. Rainy season… He finds today he doesn’t like the rain as he normally did. 

His phone begins ringing and he sighs taking it out of his pocket to see an unknown caller. He answers anyway, with a half-hearted hello.

“Hisoka,” Illumi’s voice hiccups and Hisoka freezes in response. “I-I know you hate me right now… But I could really use a hug.” 

“Where are you?” Hisoka grips his phone a little too tightly.

Illumi pauses on the other end, falling silent for a moment, but Hisoka can hear his ragged breathing and sniffling along with the rain pattering roughly. “Herb street? In the telephone box.” 

“Stay on the line okay?” Hisoka runs out of his apartment, grabbing the spare umbrella the one kind neighbour always left at the front. Herb street isn’t too far… Well, not too far with the shortcut Hisoka knew to take. Through the alley, over the fence, dash through the park. 

Illumi’s crying over the line made him move faster, ignoring the rain that pelted into him, seeping into his skin. 

“Y-You’re really coming?” Illumi’s voice cracks and Hisoka winces. 

“Of course,” he slides out onto Herb street after a couple minutes. Both staying silent over the lines, but knowing the other is there. Hisoka pants slightly and looks up and down the street, searching for the telephone box desperately. Illumi using a payphone would have been funny to him if the situation were different but- 

Hisoka catches glimpse of the box, a figure inside but completely blurred out by the heavy rain. He sprints toward it, pushing past a couple walking down the street roughly, uncaring. Illumi needs him. Illumi really needs him.

Illumi seems to spot him, although his reaction time isn’t nearly as fast as he drops the phone, opening the box door to get slammed into by Hisoka. Hisoka drops his own phone, sure it’s broken from water damage by now, the umbrella soon following it onto the ground, and he hugs Illumi. Their bodies colliding harshly but neither cared. Both of them wet from the rain, hugging each other as though they had been waiting to do this for a lifetime. Hisoka holds Illumi’s head into the crook of his neck where Illumi starts to sob, grabbing Hisoka’s shirt. Hisoka shushes him gently, whispering sweet nothings to him as they spin around a little at the force they collided with. 

The rain soaks through them, but neither really feel it. Suddenly Hisoka realizes he’s crying a little too. When they’ve stopped spinning, they stay like that for a moment, probably looking insane to anyone watching. Illumi looks up at Hisoka for a moment before kissing him.

Hisoka kisses him back needily, this is the first time Illumi initiated a kiss. 

When they pull away, Illumi is still crying, just not as much. Hisoka gently pushes him away but Illumi takes hold of his sleeve.

“D-Don’t leave,” Illumi whispers, his face sunken. 

“I’m not, don’t worry,” Hisoka kisses his forehead and Illumi hesitantly lets go. Hisoka picks up the phone and umbrella, placing the phone in his pocket and popping the umbrella open, holding it over Illumi. Illumi attaches himself to Hisoka again, holding onto his arm desperately, like it’s his lifeline. 

“You’ll come home with me?” Illumi asks slowly. 

Hisoka smiles and nods softly, walking them back to the hotel. He takes them into Illumi’s bedroom and they both strip out of their soaking clothes, leaving themselves exposed to each other in boxers. Not that either seem to mind in the moment. 

“You like getting caught in the rain, huh?” Hisoka says as he ruffles a towel through Illumi’s hair.

“Maybe because I know you’ll take care of me after…” Illumi whispers, leaning into Hisoka’s hands through the towel. The words catch Hisoka by surprise before he smiles softly.

“Always,” he gently leaves the towel on Illumi’s shoulders before walking into the bathroom to clean up himself. Looking in the mirror he winces, he looks like shit. How could Illumi have wanted this to take care of him? His makeup smudged everywhere, hair awkwardly hanging back after being attacked by the rain. 

“I’m just gonna shower quick,” Hisoka calls to Illumi before pausing, popping his head out of the bathroom. “Unless you need me?”

“Take care of yourself,” Illumi responds gently. 

“Unless you wanna join me,” Hisoka winks earning a disinterested look from Illumi before it fell into a softer, needier gaze. 

“Just be quick… Okay?” 

Hisoka nods. Showering only to allow the product out of his hair and his makeup off. Without the makeup, his eye bags were visible and he looks less… healthy. He isn’t exactly interested in walking out to Illumi like this but Illumi… Illumi needed him.

Hisoka walks out with the towel wrapped around his waist. Illumi is still sitting in the same place, eagerly looking at Hisoka.

“Hey, shouldn’t you have some clothes on, you’ll freeze,” Hisoka frowns.

“I was waiting for you,” Illumi mutters. “That was a weird answer… I, um…”

“Well, go pick something out to wear… for me too.”

Illumi’s eyes trail over him for a moment, lingering on what Hisoka assumes is his v-line before he scampers up, going into the huge closet. He hands Hisoka a pair of joggers and then pulls on a big hoodie for himself which Hisoka realizes is one of his own. When had Illumi taken that? Hisoka finds he doesn’t mind, Illumi walking back out, attaching himself back onto Hisoka. 

“What’s up?” Hisoka hums, running a hand through Illumi’s hair as he hugs him. 

“I was so scared… I was so scared you’d never want to see me again,” Illumi hugs him tighter and Hisoka shakes his head.

“Illumi, even if I wanted to, I could never hate you,” Hisoka says softly. 

“Can you make me a hot chocolate?” Illumi says after a moment of staring into Hisoka’s eyes. 

“If you let go of me,” Hisoka responds. Although, as he makes the hot chocolate, Illumi hugs him again. Every time he moved, Illumi would only loosen up a little, allowing him to do whatever before latching on again. 

They eventually are curled up on the couch together, Illumi safely tucked away in Hisoka’s arms as he sips from his mug. 

“You’re awfully touchy,” Hisoka hums, gently playing with Illumi’s hair. 

“I always was,” Illumi says it quietly like he’s embarrassed about it. “I just held back.”

Hisoka laughs lightly, unsurprised at the information. Illumi tended to get close to whoever unintentionally, he had no perception of personal space. Hisoka should have guessed it was because he is a touchy person. 

“Hisoka… will you allow me to explain what happened?” Illumi whispers after a moment. Hisoka holds his breath, pausing a little. Did he want to hear it? What if what happened hurts him more? But if Illumi wanted him to…

“Okay,” Hisoka lets out his breath and Illumi taps his half-empty mug for a moment. 

“I called Chrollo over to help me with the costume I was making for you… He kept asking me why I liked you, and I got frustrated and I was confused. And then he approached me and he kissed me when you walked in. I didn’t mean for it to happen… I didn’t know he was going to do it either, I just-” Illumi sighs frustratedly, leaning his head back onto Hisoka’s shoulder, eyes shut tight. 

Hisoka gently places a hand on Illumi cheek, moving him so he can press a quick kiss to Illumi’s lips. “It wasn’t your fault,” Hisoka whispers in realization. It really had been a misunderstanding. Hisoka shouldn’t have taken it so roughly… He should have called, he should have let Illumi explain. He sighs frustratedly and buries his face into the crook of Illumi’s neck. “I’m sorry.” He says, lips brushing Illumi’s skin.

“Why are you apologizing? That’s what I’m doing,” Illumi retorts.

Hisoka looks up, Illumi’s gaze on him, returned to a blank face. “I should have been here for you.”

Something flickers in Illumi’s eyes and suddenly the warm mug is placed too close to his face. “Have some,” Illumi demands. “You don’t look so good.”

Hisoka shakes his head a little. “I don’t like hot chocolate.”

Illumi scowls and leans back into Hisoka again. Soon, the two fall asleep, curled into each other, holding each other trying to get impossibly closer.


	19. Chapter 19

The next morning Hisoka frowns, Illumi isn’t in his arms. He rubs his eyes and sits up, looking around before hearing Illumi in the kitchen. Hisoka walks over to him to find him awkwardly standing at the stove, something smoking a little in the pan. 

Hisoka walks over and removes the smoking pan, placing it in the sink and grabbing the tea towel, batting it to clear the smoke.

“I was trying to make breakfast…” Illumi pouts a little when Hisoka gives him a look.

“I will never trust you in the kitchen again,” Hisoka laughs lightly, kissing Illumi’s cheek before checking the blackened contents in the pan… Oh boy. Illumi appears frustrated but he quickly covers it. “Why don’t we go out to eat, yeah?”

Illumi nods and takes the opportunity to dress Hisoka in an outfit of his choosing.

“Can I use Machi’s makeup?” Hisoka hums and Illumi nods, disappearing to shower while Hisoka does his makeup. He smiles a little at himself and finishes as Illumi walks out of the bathroom, fully clothed, unfortunately. 

“Come,” Illumi holds out a hand and Hisoka smiles, taking it as they leave the apartment. Hisoka leads them towards a little cafe he really likes. Holding onto Illumi’s hand so happily, he feels on top of the world. Illumi looks… Amazing. As always. His hair, still damp, shining in the sun, his eyes drinking everything in despite his expressionless face, high waisted jeans flattering his small waist. Hisoka wants to drink in the image forever, his hand in Illumi’s.

Hisoka walks them inside and they take their seats together. Hisoka pulling the chair out for Illumi, earning an eye roll and a mocking thank you. Illumi instantly takes to the menu while Hisoka stares. He’s missed Illumi more than anything. The sight of him is everything.

“Hisoka?” Illumi catches his gaze.

“Yes?” Hisoka responds smoothly.

“Why are you staring?” 

“You’re beautiful,” Hisoka gives his million dollar smile only to be met with a gentle slap of the menu from Illumi.

“Choose your food,” Illumi scolds. 

The two sit in silence, besides when they order, though Hisoka never lets go of one of Illumi’s hands, holding it over the table. Illumi hasn’t protested yet, which is a plus. 

Illumi pulls away when their food arrives and Hisoka pouts, earning yet another eye-roll. 

“Eat please,” Illumi pushes Hisoka’s plate closer to him. “You don’t look so good.”

“I’m fine,” Hisoka snorts, eating the croissant quickly, more interested in admiring Illumi. Illumi has a fancily made crepe, eating delicately, creating his perfect character. Illumi is delicate… strong, but delicate, soft, but stern, a perfect ensemble of traits. All for Hisoka. 

“I like it here,” Illumi hums. 

“I’ll take you every day if that’s what you want,” Hisoka responds, sitting tall in his chair. Smiling away at Illumi.

“I prefer your cooking,” Illumi glances at him and then frowns. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“/Look/ like that, the girls go crazy,” Illumi huffs.

Hisoka glances around the cafe, sure enough, girls were looking at him. But he also had makeup on, that could easily be the reason. “Don’t worry, my eyes are only for you.”

Illumi mutters something incoherent and finishes eating. He slaps a bill on the table and before Hisoka can protest, reaches for his hand.

“Come,” Illumi demands once again. Hisoka chuckles and goes with him. “You have class later today.”

“I do… But I can miss it for you.”

“You’re going to class Hisoka.”

They bicker for a while before Hisoka agrees to go to class. Illumi had some decent points about skipping, but the real reason Hisoka agrees is because Illumi says he’ll let him call him by some sort of pet name. 

“Baby?”

“That’s original,” Illumi retorts.

“Pumpkin?”

“I’m not orange.”

“Snookums,” Hisoka tries his best to say it seriously, to see how Illumi reacts, bursting into laughter at the face Illumi makes. 

“That’s horrid.”

Hisoka is interrupted to Machi calling him on his surprisingly not broken cellphone. “Where are you?” She asks when Hisoka picks up. 

“Sorry, my love, should I have said I was going out?” Hisoka teases. “I’m going to class in a bit, I’ll come home after, yeah? And cook you up something.”

“You better cook something good to make up for you disappearing,” Machi growls over the phone before hanging up.

“Call me that,” Illumi says as soon as the phone call is done.

“Sorry?” Hisoka frowns, looking at Illumi.

“Call me ‘my love,’” Illumi hums.

“I can’t,” Hisoka responds softly. 

“Why not?” Illumi blows air aggressively out of his nose. 

“Because I’ve never told you that I love you,” Hisoka’s voice is smooth and soft, Illumi clearly not expecting the sentence as Hisoka can see him trying to search for answers. 

“Then when you say it, you can call me that pet name.” Illumi’s decision rings clear and a silence hangs over them for a moment. Neither of them has told the other they love them. But it seems implied by their actions… Despite that, now isn’t the time. 

“I have to go to class now, okay?” Hisoka stands, pecking Illumi’s forehead. 

“Okay… Can I come eat with you and Machi too?”

“I think that might be a good idea… We can explain the situation together.”

***  
Hisoka pants excessively as he sits against the mirror. 

“Are you okay?” Frowns one of the girls. “We’re gonna run through it again.”

“I’m good,” Hisoka waves her off. Despite this, his body feels like mush and he feels so fatigued it’s insane. He stands and gets back into position for the dance. 

Hisoka runs through the dance with his classmates, a dance which is really just supposed to be for fun, yet something feels wrong. Hisoka finishes what they have done and goes for his water, empty. 

“I’ll be right back,” Hisoka waves, walking out to the fountain to fill his water bottle. Why do his knees feel like they’re about to give out? Why is his head pounding… Wait, his world is spinning… Why is it spinning?

His body crumples beneath him and his water bottle clattering onto the ground is the last thing he hears.


	20. Chapter 20

Constant beeping fills Hisoka’s mind for a moment, annoying him beyond compare. Slowly other noises come into play. Quiet voices which he can soon place as Gon, Illumi, Machi, and Killua. Are they all in his room? That’s rather annoying. Let him sleep… Despite the feeling, he brings an arm up to his forehead, snapping his eyes open at the strange feeling it brings. 

The first thing he notices is the IV stuck in his elbow, not exactly painful, but uncomfortable. Then looking around he finds himself in a hospital room? What? His gaze flickers to where his friends are huddled together, all looking rather distressed. 

“Hey,” Hisoka’s voice croaks. “Wha-”

“Hisoka!” Illumi interrupts, practically launching himself at Hisoka, hugging him awkwardly since he’s in bed. 

“Hey, hey,” Hisoka hugs back, rubbing Illumi’s back. “I’m here, it’s okay.”

“You’re an idiot Hisoka,” Illumi practically growls, pulling away appearing both angry and upset. 

Hisoka blinks at him before glancing at the IV. So… Why is he here? He glances back at them in confusion. Did he drink too much or something? 

“You really don’t know why you’re here?” Even Gon sounds angry. “You’re an absolute dumbass.”

“Enlighten me,” Hisoka hums, looking at them expectantly. He really had no idea why he was here. 

“Hisoka,” Machi shakes her head and sits on the edge of the bed. “You passed out during your dance class.”

“Uh… So?” Hisoka raises a brow, plenty of people pass out. Not that he can say he ever has, even when he overworked himself. At least... Not during dance. It has happened before... 

“You haven’t eaten properly in… weeks? Months?” Machi says slowly.

Hisoka frowns, desperately trying to recall. He hasn’t? But he’s eaten… He remembers eating. “What?” He finally manages to get out.

“Yep, he’s a lost cause. He’s an idiot! A true born idiot!” Gon huffs, throwing his arms in the air. Killua throws Gon a look before looking back at Hisoka.

“You’re treating your body like shit and it finally caught up to you,” Killua clarifies. 

Illumi isn’t speaking, his face blank to anyone who didn’t know him, but his eyes are a turmoil. He’s upset with Hisoka… Of course, he is, Hisoka is a mess. According to his friends, he can’t even take care of himself and he doesn’t even realize. Fuck… Fuck Hisoka is no good. He runs a hand through his hair frustratedly as he inwardly hates on himself. How could he not realize? The others wait silently, letting it sink in for him. 

“I had no idea,” Hisoka mutters. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing Hisoka? It’s not your fault,” Machi says softly. “As your friends, we should have noticed what was going on.”

“Yeah,” Gon shakes his head. “I should’ve never let you get this bad. I should’ve warned everyone else… I knew you always forgot…” His brow is furrowed, Killua taking Gon’s hand.

Hisoka blinks a few times, realizing they weren’t mad at him, they were mad at themselves for never realizing. But that isn’t their fault… How could they know? Hisoka doesn’t even realize what he does. 

“It’s no one's fault,” Killua says softly. “But now we know, so we can all watch out for Hisoka.”

Hisoka frowns. “You shouldn’t have to-”

“Hisoka, we’re your friends. We’ll have your back whether you like it or not… You’re allowed home when your IV is done.” Machi says, taking Hisoka’s hand to squeeze it. “I’ll take the boys home, Illumi will take you back after. Okay?”

Hisoka smiles. “Of course.” He slips easily back into his charismatic component and Machi laughs lightly, leading the boys out of the room. 

Illumi takes Hisoka hand and puts it to his cheek. “I was scared, Hisoka,” Illumi scolds. 

“I’m sorry, Illumi,” Hisoka responds softly, rubbing his thumb on Illumi’s cheek. 

They sit together in silence for a while, Illumi crawling into the small bed to join Hisoka. Hisoka continues to run his fingers in Illumi’s hair while Illumi traces around his tattoos. 

“You should rely on me more,” Illumi speaks suddenly. “I’ve leaned on you… Why don’t you ever lean on me?”

Hisoka knows the answer. Because Illumi won’t like him once he hears about his problems. “Sorry, I’ll try harder.”

Illumi seems to take the answer for the time being. Illumi gets up noticing the IV is out and shortly after a nurse comes in to dispatch Hisoka. Hisoka feels mostly fine… He stands and pulls on his sweatshirt before Illumi takes his hand and leads them out. 

“The fluids were to get you going again, but you’re going to actually have to eat… How do you forget to eat?” Illumi huffs.

Hisoka purses his lips. “In the orphanage, I prioritized getting the kids something to eat. And I helped look after them, so I guess, I just always forgot then and I kinda got used to the little food… I’ve had this happen before.” He admits. “I just wasn’t hospitalized for it. And in the circus, well, food was already scarce so…” 

“Orphanage?” Illumi pauses. Hisoka chews his lip, guess he just admitted one of his many flaws. Not that him growing up in the orphanage was entirely private information, but it stayed clear of media thanks to him pulling strings. 

“Yeah… I was left there after my time in the circus,” So that’s half the truth. 

“Where are your parents? In the circus?” Illumi seems genuinely curious. 

Hisoka shrugs a little. “No idea, the person who raised me in the circus found me on the side of the road…” He pauses, realizing he had said more than he wanted. 

“Do you wonder about your parents?” 

“No.”

Illumi simply nods and walks into the apartment complex, Hisoka in tow. When Hisoka walks into his apartment he winces at the sudden noise. Leorio and Kurapika happen to also be there, Pika working away at some kind of sauce on the stove. 

Gon and Killua getting plates out, arguing about who knows what, Machi clearing off the table in the living room. 

“Oh good,” Leorio smiles at Hisoka. “Foods almost ready.”


	21. Chapter 21

Hisoka glances up at the front door slamming shut. School had ended for him, Gon was coming close to the end of his semester. Hisoka had been much healthier thanks to his friends always inquiring if he had eaten. Gon storms past him, no Killua following, now that is strange. 

“Hey, you good?” Hisoka questions but Gon has already retreated into his room. Hisoka keeps his gaze on the shut door for a moment before deciding to not push the issue. 

Hisoka and Illumi had been doing well. Not that they had seen enough of each other. They always seemed to be too busy. Hisoka had been practicing and dancing more for year-end projects and Illumi had been working on his own year-end projects. And both were avoiding that Illumi would have to go home soon. 

Hisoka sighs, walking to Gon’s door and knocking gently. “What’s up kid?” He didn’t want to push the issue but… He did care for Gon. 

“Killua is leaving!” Gon fumes from the other side of the door and suddenly the door is pulled aggressively open. “He’s leaving the day after exams end and he just told me!”

Hisoka’s heart sinks suddenly. That’s a month away… Only a month left before they…? Hisoka figures he'd have more time. 

“Hisoka?” Gon pauses. “They didn’t tell you either…” Gon says softly in realization. “The Zoldycks are dicks.”

The two of them share a laugh before quieting again. June was just starting to roll in… Only one month left. That’s too short. They can’t go home. Hisoka and Gon were here. But it would be unfair to ask them to stay. But they could have warned them. But then again, Hisoka and Gon should have seen this coming.

Hisoka leans against the door frame. “You shouldn’t be mad at Killua, there’s nothing he can really do. Neither of you are eighteen yet.”

“You’re basically my legal guardian, can’t you do something?” Gon asks desperately. 

“Gon, trust me, I do not want Illumi to leave either, but what can we do?”

“Fight for them! They can’t just leave! They can’t!” Gon pushes Hisoka out of his room. “Go eat and then figure out how to make them stay.”

Hisoka shakes his head when an idea does pop into his head. Chrollo will want Machi to stay too… Therefore Chrollo can help come up with something. Hisoka instantly heads out, taking his car. He drives like his crazy self, making his way to Chrollo’s place. 

Chrollo and Machi have been… Bumpy. But they’re working on it. Chrollo managed to corner her, with the help of Hisoka who had put the whole plan in place, and tell her the situation. She didn’t exactly forgive him, but she’s working on it. Machi seems happier with him anyway. Chrollo seems more comfortable around her than he ever did with Illumi. They fit, as soulmates do. 

With Chrollo and Machi together, Illumi and Hisoka were building the friendship with him up. He is a formidable artist and person, regal and poised for perfection, just like Hisoka and Illumi. The three of them, now that the sexual tension Chrollo held over Illumi is gone, got along quite well. All artists that constantly spat ideas at each other if someone got them going. 

Hisoka pulls up at Chrollo’s house and invites himself inside. He finds Chrollo with paint covered arms, the huge canvas turned away from Hisoka.

“Whatcha working on?” Hisoka leans on the door frame, tilting his head.

Chrollo glances over and stands. “Just a painting, you came just in time for me to take a break.” He brushes his hands all over his paint-stained shirt and walks over. 

“Got any food?”

“Glad you asked,” Chrollo and he move into the kitchen where Chrollo offers him some leftovers. Hisoka takes them gratefully and eats as Chrollo washes off his arms. 

“So… You know Machi’s leaving at the end of the month with the boys right?” Hisoka brings it up slowly. 

“Yes… She told me recently,” Chrollo sighs, leaning against the counter, facing Hisoka. 

“Well, Gon is beside himself, and I don’t think they should leave,” Hisoka leans back in his chair.

“What are you suggesting?”

“We need a plan to get them to stay… Gon told me I had to figure something out.”

Chrollo chuckles. “Of course he did, Killua and Gon are inseparable, I don’t think either of them will be taking leaving well.”

“It’ll break all of us Chrollo, not just those two,” Hisoka adds softly, knowing full well how it will hurt all parties. “There has to be some way they can stay…”

“I plan on just asking Machi,” Chrollo states. “She can make her choice. But I’m going to ask if she wants to live with me. And if she doesn’t, I’ll offer to pay for an apartment. But we can’t force them to stay. The boys have family don’t forget that.”

Hisoka sighs frustratedly. “I don’t think Illumi wants to live with me.”

Chrollo bursts into laughter. “Hisoka, you and Illumi have to be the most oblivious couple I have ever met.”

“What?”

“Illumi will do anything for you and you’ll do anything for Illumi, and you think he doesn’t want to live with you?” Chrollo shakes his head. “You already know Illumi better than anyone, you pick up on things about him others who have known him for years can’t. Machi literally tells me all about how you seem to just sense things about him that she can never pick up on. You should know better than anyone how much Illumi would love to live with you.” 

Despite Chrollo’s words, Hisoka still didn’t feel it. Or maybe… Hisoka doesn’t want Illumi living with him. Ever since bringing up the orphanage to Illumi, he felt he had done something wrong. He hates that Illumi knows that about him. That he knows he has no family. He hates that he could accidentally slip up on more about how gross his past is. If Illumi lived with Hisoka, Illumi might have to see all that. 

“Something wrong?” Chrollo inquires, cleaning up Hisoka’s dishes.

“No, but your plan isn’t helpful. I can ask Illumi, but what about Killua?”

“You could give the boys your apartment and then live with Illumi somewhere else… We both know Illumi doesn’t like your place.”

They share a laugh. No, Illumi hated Hisoka’s apartment. Too small for the rich man's taste. Despite that, Illumi liked being there because of Hisoka. Illumi expressed often that he prefered a more modernly styled home. 

“But can we leave Killua and Gon there?”

“Worried for the kid?” Chrollo smiles. “You know Gon can take care of himself. He just turned seventeen, so only a year until he doesn’t need a guardian. I’m sure you can live away from him for the year in between.”

“I’m not his legal guardian, his aunt is. She just lives too far.”

“See! He’s already living away from her. Give him and Killua the apartment. We can all give them frequent visits.”

“This is if Illumi wants to live with me,” Hisoka sighs dramatically in response.

“Dumbass,” Chrollo shakes his head. “Just ask him. You’ll see… And oh! I need you to stop by my place this Saturday.”

“What? Why?” Hisoka frowns.

“A project I’m working on, I need some help.”

“Alright, I can do that,” Hisoka stands up. “I think I’m gonna go see Illumi.”

“Of course you are,” Chrollo chuckles. “Get going.”

Hisoka shakes his head. “What time Saturday?” He asks as he leaves.

“Noon!”


	22. Chapter 22

Illumi is not happy to see him, Hisoka instantly realizes. Walking into the hotel room is the first mistake. 

“What are you doing here?” Illumi snaps, shutting his sketchbook from where he sits on the couch.

“Sorry?” Hisoka asks softly. “I thought you’d like to see me. We’ve been so busy recently-”

“I’m still busy,” Illumi interrupts, Machi walking into the room to take a spot on the couch, mumbling a hello to Hisoka. Hisoka, however, is focused on Illumi’s tense body. Maybe he’s stressed about whatever he’s working on.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Hisoka offers, walking over and taking Illumi’s hands. The usually clingy man pulls away and takes a few steps back.

“You can leave,” he says quickly. The blow that hits Hisoka is worse than being punched. Illumi falters for a moment, like he can see that it hurt Hisoka before biting his lip. “I just need to work, okay, you’re a distraction.”

Hisoka lifts his chin a little, trying not to act like what Illumi added didn’t just make things worse. “Fine.” He walks out quickly, his chest hurting. Not as much as when Illumi first rejected him, but a considerable amount. It made it worse that Hisoka had planned to ask Illumi if he wanted to live with him… Hisoka is a fool to think Illumi would want that. 

Hisoka looks at his bright yellow car… He is not good enough for Illumi. Illumi would want a black car, a modern house with an indoor pool because he is prestigious like that. Illumi would want a man who didn’t have a past like Hisoka, a man who is mentally stronger, a man who knew exactly what to do and when for him. Hisoka just wants to be enough for Illumi, but he knows he never will be. 

He angrily tsks and gets into his car, speeding back home. Maybe he and Gon could go out for a bit, just to hang out together… Get his mind off Illumi. Plus, they hadn’t hung out together in a while. Hisoka waits outside the apartment in his car, calling Gon.

“Yeah?” Gon answers.

“Come out, let's go do something,” Hisoka replies, tapping the steering wheel impatiently with his free hand. He narrows his eyes when the kid hangs up, coming out of the apartment a few moments later, no Killua at his side. Certainly something different for Gon.

“Where are we going?” Gon asks as he slides into the car, Hisoka driving off as soon as he’s inside. 

“Suggest something,” Hisoka responds.

“Bowling?”

Hisoka doesn’t question it, driving to the dingy bowling alley. He hadn’t been here in a long time… When Hisoka parks the two get out, sharing a knowing smile. Last time they went here together was a good time, despite the run down place. They walk in, getting a lane and slipping on the gross overused bowling shoes. 

“Last time I think I won,” Gon smirks, picking up a ball. 

“Ha, ha,” Hisoka snorts, watching as Gon’s ball rolls aggressively down the lane. They both knew last time Gon won, only because Hisoka got distracted. It’s not fair when a gay man goes bowling and isn’t aware he’s gay and then a really hot man pulls up his shirt. Hisoka grimaces, remembering the awkward ball throw after being flustered. He can’t imagine what would have happened if Illumi were the one pulling up his shirt…

His face flushes again and Gon gives him a curious gaze.

“What’re you thinking about?” Gon muses.

“Nothing…” Hisoka walks up and takes his turn. “Where’s Killua today?”

“Killua… And I are kinda fighting…” 

“How do you ‘kinda’ fight?”

“Well, we aren’t really fighting… I just get really sad when I see him because I know he has to leave…” 

Hisoka watches the last of the pins go down on his second throw. “I suggest you drink up every moment you possibly can with him then, try not to think about them leaving.”

Gon stands. “Then why aren’t you and Illumi doing the same?” He hums as he slides into his turn.

***

Their game is light-hearted after that. Both wanting to avoid their soulmates leaving them. Both thinking of any way they could make them stay. Chrollo had it easier, Machi’s only family was the Zoldycks, and she was only really close to Illumi and Killua. But it isn’t fair to ask Illumi and Killua to stay.

They had a family.

Hisoka chokes up a little, remembering there is no one for him to bring Illumi home to. No mother to show Illumi off to, no father to give him advice… Hisoka had to figure everything out on his own. Sure he had Gon, and Kurapika and Leorio. But they were not parents, not even close. 

Speaking of which…

Gon had already disappeared, deciding to hang out with Killua after Hisoka’s words. Hisoka glances at his cell phone before caving and calling Kurapika. The phone rings twice and Hisoka finds himself anxious, about to hang up when Kurapika’s hello comes through the line. 

Hisoka chews his bottom lip before starting. “Hello,” he hums. Hisoka sits on his couch and allows himself to calm down, allowing his cool composure to take over. No need to get all riled up because he’s asking for… advice. Oh god, that sounds horrible. He’s never really asked for advice, sure people have given it to him, but he doesn’t ask people. This is so below his standard.

“Hisoka? Hey? Say something?” Kurapika says frustratedly over the line. 

“How do I get Illumi to stay?” Hisoka blurts out, needing to get it out before he decided against it. Kurapika falls silent for a moment before sighing.

“Why don’t we meet up for coffee?” Pika suggests softly. 

“Yeah… Maybe that’s a good idea,” Hisoka mutters, realizing this conversation could be difficult over the phone. Kurapika and he agree on a time tomorrow and Hisoka sighs, heading to bed to sleep off his worries. 

Hisoka is late, as he usually is, to where they were meeting. He finds Kurapika with two coffees, one made for Hisoka, the other for Pika. Hisoka sits across from him and sips the coffee left for him.

Kurapika watches him before sighing softly. “What’s going on with you and Illumi?” 

“Everything,” Hisoka snorts, leaning back delicately in his chair, causing gazes to turn to him. He had always been used to the attention, so he hardly notices. Kurapika, however, shifts uncomfortably. 

“Have you gotten more famous or something?” Pika muses slightly, Hisoka offering a sly smile in response. “Anyways, have you asked Illumi to stay?”

“Uh… No…” Hisoka responds slowly. 

“Hisoka,” Kurapika scolds. “That’s half your problem.”

“I can’t just ask him… He just got mad at me yesterday for going to his place. He’s been distant lately, and I get it, he’s busy. But… I feel like he really doesn’t want me.” Hisoka sighs frustratedly. He taps his nails on the coffee table, remembering he needs to bring Illumi with him sometime when he gets them done. 

Illumi doesn’t like him… Why does he always think of Illumi? His thoughts always end up back at Illumi’s big, dark, swirling eyes. Illumi’s soft, silky hair, his little waist, stronger than he looked. Speaking his mind, even in inappropriate situations. The little smile he sometimes gave when talking about Killua, or the rare laugh that only Hisoka could make him do.

“Hisoka?” Kurapika pulls him from his thoughts. “What makes you think Illumi doesn’t want you?” 

Hisoka frowns at Pika. “There’s plenty of reasons.” Reasons Hisoka rather not share with Kurapika or anyone for that matter. Kurapika nods slowly, seeming to understand. 

“Hisoka, I really think you and Illumi need to talk. You both seem to be needlessly reserved around each other. You just need to ask Illumi to stay, and if for whatever reason he says no, talk about it. You both need to stop pushing each other away.” 

Hisoka doesn’t like the advice, but deep down, he feels like he knew about it all along. Not only that, he is annoyed that he had to ask for advice. So unlike him… He sips his coffee again, he doesn’t want to ask Illumi because he is scared. He frowns, he doesn’t get scared either. But he is… He is scared of Illumi saying no, he is scared to lose Illumi. 

“Do you want to come visit Leorio and I? Leorio isn’t quite the chef you are, but he makes some good meals. Come for lunch, it’ll get you away from your place for a bit.” Kurapika offers after allowing Hisoka some silence for his internal conflict. 

“Sure,” Hisoka nods, standing up. “Let’s go.”

Hisoka drives off to Pika’s house. He and Leorio lived in a house within a small neighbourhood close to their university. It happened to be on the other side of the city from Hisoka, but he didn’t mind coming for the occasional visit. Especially since Kurapika tended to have the wisdom of an old man… Ha, and Pika was younger than he was. 

He walks into the house and watches as Leorio and Kurapika greet each other with a kiss. Maybe he’ll have that someday… Illumi is clingy, but recently he’s been distant and snappy, even before Hisoka had walked in on him yesterday. Maybe he had found out about Hisoka’s past… Oh god, what if he really knows who he is? And now Illumi hates him.

“Hisoka, get out of your head, let’s eat lunch,” Kurapika hits his arm gently and leads him to the kitchen. 

“Right, sorry,” Hisoka slips into a chair, taking the food graciously. Leorio is a half decent cook, Pika is right there. No one else’s cooking really compared to Hisoka’s in their friend group, but Leorio would definitely be second. 

Kurapika struck up conversation, talking about summer plans with Leorio. Hisoka listens intently, curious as to what the two were up to.

“And we’re hoping to go overseas to Spain-”

“Italy,” Leorio interrupts.

“We agreed on Spain,” Kurapika responds curtly.

“Hm, I don’t recall, I believe we agreed on Italy,” there is a smile on Leorio’s face, whereas Kurapika looks annoyed. 

“Leorio,” Pika huffs. “Spain!”

Leorio leans over and pecks Pika’s cheek, and Kurapika instantly softens. “We’ll agree on it later, maybe we go to both,” Leorio says softly and just like that, Kurapika resumes talking about the plans.

Something in the interaction made Hisoka jealous. It was like watching himself and Illumi. Illumi being the stubborn Kurapika and Hisoka being the playful Leorio… Oh disgusting that he compares himself to that. But he still saw it. Except Hisoka couldn’t get Illumi to just… Relax like that. 

Hisoka stays at their place for a while, catching up on things together. The time is well spent when he realizes how distant he has been from them recently. It is nice to spend time with the two, they bicker like an old married couple. They are practically an old married couple at this point. The two are so obviously made for each other… Why can he and Illumi be like that?

When Hisoka heads home, the only thing on his mind is Illumi.

Even after he sits in his room, getting drunk to forget, Illumi is forever there. His beautiful person stuck in his mind, a man he can never forget.


	23. Chapter 23

Soulmates should not be this hard, are Hisoka’s thoughts as he walks, hands in pockets. Killua and Gon seemed to be doing better again, but the past two days, Hisoka has sulked. Illumi had made no move to say anything, it is eating Hisoka up inside. He walks into the very empty dance studio, being allowed in the school despite the fact they were off. 

Hisoka dances away his pain. Or so he tries. 

Illumi… Illumi is the moon and Hisoka is the sun, always chasing him and never reaching him. Illumi is the cool night that is uninviting yet so enticing. His hair wispy like the night breeze, and his eyes the turmoil of the night sky. His skin is the stars, shimmering white moondust, too delicate to touch. His voice is the welcomed silence and his laugh the sound of the rare owl's cry. Illumi’s touch is the clouds that wisp over the moon. Illumi’s entirety is that of the night. Illumi’s perfection is way above Hisoka as he is the cool and accepting moon and Hisoka is the blazing and bitter sun. 

He pants, looking at himself in the mirror, gentle clapping behind him. 

“You’re thinking of him,” Machi says softly and Hisoka looks at her through the mirror. 

“What makes you say that?” Hisoka raises an eyebrow.

“You dance differently when you think of him,” Machi explains, grabbing his water and walking over, handing it to him. “You dance… More perfectly, if that’s possible.”

“Thanks…?” Hisoka takes a swig of his water. 

Machi offers a small smile. “So, I’m not going back home.”

“What?” Hisoka falters, looking over at her in surprise.

“I’m staying here. Chrollo asked me to move in with him… But I wanted to come talk to you about that,” Machi takes a deep breath and Hisoka’s heart both crumbles and swells with happiness. His heart crumbling due to his fear of Illumi saying no growing, for whatever reason. And swells at the thought of Machi staying. She has become quite the friend, dare he say he would quite miss her if she left. 

“Talk away, my love,” he teases softly, leading her to the little lounge area at the back of the studio. 

“I… I want to know if things go south with Chrollo, could I always find a place to stay with you?” Machi hugs herself, looking away.

“Machi,” Hisoka shakes his head. “You know you always have a home with me.” 

Machi smiles and throws her arms around him but quickly backs away. “Ew, you’re sweaty,” she scrunches her nose in disgust.

Hisoka laughs and threateningly holds a sweaty hand out to her, which she reels back from in turn. He shakes his head a little and slumps onto a couch. Machi sits a safe distance away, causing a smirk to play at Hisoka’s lips. 

“When are you asking Illumi to stay?” Machi prompts.

“I don’t know if I am,” Hisoka sighs softly, looking away from her. 

“What do you mean!? You have to!” Machi counters quickly. “He’ll say yes! I know it, I have a gut feeling.”

“A gut feeling isn’t a for sure thing, Machi. You know how close he is to his family… Even his horrible mother.”

Machi sinks into the couch dejectedly. “My hunches are credible…” 

“Sorry Machi, I’m really on the fence with this one.” 

Machi looks at him for a moment before aggressively blowing air from her nose. She jumps up, putting her hands on her hips and taking stance in front of Hisoka.

“You are going to ask Illumi to stay. I am not going to watch you fall apart when Illumi leaves. I just won’t! Illumi will say yes! Hisoka you love him!” Machi cries out. 

Hisoka looks up at her with wide eyes. No one has said it out loud, not even him. She looks at him expectantly then her eyes flicker.

“You haven’t told him you love him?” Her voice is almost a whisper. “Hisoka… Hisoka you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Sorry?” Hisoka manages out, still in shock Machi suggests it. He loves Illumi? Hisoka purses his lips, can someone fall in love that fast? Hisoka’s thoughts come back to Illumi being the night, all his features coming at Hisoka like he had run into a brick wall. 

Then a memory floods into his mind.

A time when the two weren’t fighting… They had fallen asleep together on the couch, something they did a lot. No… They were in a good spot then. Hisoka had woken up, Illumi laying delicately on Hisoka’s stomach, his body in between Hisoka’s legs. Golden sun trickled into the room, laying over Illumi and… the pun sounds stupid to think about now, but it illuminated Illumi. Hisoka’s mouth twitches into a smile at the memory of the golden sun making Illumi look like an angel, like a perfect diamond in the rough. The first time Hisoka realized he loved Illumi.

“You’re thinking about him,” Machi says. “I can see it! Hisoka please, talk to Illumi… When he kicked you out before, it wasn’t out of malice. You know Illumi didn’t mean to come off rudely. Just… Please… Ask Illumi.”

Hisoka looks over her, she looks desperate. “I will…” Hisoka decides softly because Hisoka cannot let go of Illumi, no matter how hard he tries.

***

Hisoka’s heart is racing as he knocks on the door to the hotel room. It’s opened by a man Hisoka doesn’t recognize. Illumi shortly afterward arrives, wearing a silky dark green robe. Of course, Hisoka assumes the worst, how can he not? He tries to swallow it, but the annoyance that flashes through Illumi’s eyes confirms it for him. 

“I’m so sorry to disturb, this was ah… a bad idea,” Hisoka rushes off but soon realizes Illumi is hot on his heels.

“Hisoka wait,” Illumi calls, catching up to him.

“Wait for what?” Hisoka seethes as he continues, moving down the flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator. 

“Hisoka, please, listen to me!” 

“Why should I?” 

The two are practically running down the stairs now. Hisoka wanting to desperately get away from the situation while Illumi chases him. 

“Hisoka, I need you to listen!”

Hisoka turns around once Illumi has chased him a little way down the street. “What? What more do you want from me Illumi? What more do I need to do to prove myself to you?”

Illumi looks at Hisoka, wide-eyed, the two of them standing under a street light. “Hisoka,” his face grows impossibly soft. “You’ve already proven yourself to me.”

“What?” Hisoka’s voice wavers, they’re standing on opposite ends of where the light to the street light starts to fade. No one is really out, it being late, but the odd person stared at them as they walked by. Neither Hisoka or Illumi seem to care.

“Hisoka… Hisoka you proved yourself when you were so worried for me the night Chrollo picked me up, Machi told me all about it. You proved yourself every time you made it a priority to make me food. You proved yourself when you modeled the entirety of my collection without complaint. You proved yourself the first time I came crying to you, drenched from rain, and you took care of me through it all. You proved yourself every time you danced for me. You proved yourself the second time when you were mad and yet you still ran out in the rain to come to me. You proved yourself every time you made me hot chocolate. You proved yourself when you came and asked if I wanted help even after I had snapped at you… Hisoka you have proved yourself over and over and over, don’t you get it? I want you.”

Hisoka looks at Illumi, who had slowly come towards Hisoka through his speech. Hisoka stares in disbelief before tears start spilling from his eyes.

“No… No, Illumi you don’t want me. You don’t. You’re too good. You’re too perfect. I’m disgusting, Illumi. I am so disgusting. My past is so gross, it makes me gross. You deserve so much better, you deserve a pretty rich man, who isn’t disgusting like me,” Hisoka never cries, but confessing this to Illumi he is streaming tears like they are small waterfalls on his face. 

Illumi gently places his hands on Hisoka’s face, wiping away tears with his thumbs. “Hisoka you are not disgusting… You’re here, proving yourself to me again. You proving why I chose you, why I am outside, in a robe, chasing after you. Hisoka you are beautiful. No matter what happened to you in the past, you are beautiful and you are mine. I want no one else. When Chrollo left… the day he kissed me… that’s when I realized, it is you who deserves better than me.”

“What?” Hisoka hiccups, calming his tears. “No… No Illumi… Illumi I want you. You’re too good for me. Please, this may be too much to ask, but I just want you to be mine.”

Illumi is all too gently rubbing his thumbs over Hisoka’s cheeks. “I was always yours.” 

Hisoka hugs Illumi, impossibly tight, pulling him into a deep hug, burying his face into the crook of Illumi’s neck. Illumi simply holds him in return, not letting go until Hisoka does. 

“I love you, Hisoka Morow,” Illumi says every so softly, allowing Hisoka’s chest to explode.

“I love you too, Illumi Zoldyck,” Hisoka responds, hardly managing to get out the words in his surprise.

Illumi gives him one of the rarest Illumi things, a smile. “Now come inside and let me take care of you for once.”

Hisoka allows Illumi to start a bath for him once back inside the hotel room. The man from before seems long since gone. Hisoka goes to make food but Illumi scolds him and forces him into the bathroom, blocking his exit while ordering take out. Hisoka allows himself to take the bath before changing into a pair of sweats Illumi left for him. 

When he walks back out, Illumi has the take out sitting on the coffee table by the TV. He glances up at Hisoka and motions him over. 

“Are we going to watch something then, my love?” Hisoka asks as he walks over. Illumi freezes for a moment and looks at Hisoka, his face unreadable. “It something wrong?”

“You said it,” Illumi explains. “You called me ‘my love.’” 

“I told you I would… Do you not like it?” 

“Only if you stop calling Machi that.”

Hisoka kisses the tip of Illumi’s nose. “That I can do, anything for you, my love.”

Illumi places a finger on Hisoka’s forehead and pushes him away, sitting down and starting to grab for food. Hisoka follows suit, a smile on his face, but nerves eating away at him. He just confessed everything to Illumi about how he felt, and yet here he is, unable to ask if Illumi would stay. Not only that, Illumi doesn’t know why Hisoka is so gross. Would he still love Hisoka if he knew?

“Hey, hey,” Illumi’s food is quickly put down. “Hisoka breathe, look at me, breathe,” Illumi’s hands are on Hisoka’s cheeks again. “I can feel your turmoil… Hisoka it’s okay to be yourself with me… You can tell me anything. As I lean on you, you can lean on me.” Illumi’s voice is soothing. His voice softer than normal, clearly wanting Hisoka to relax. But Hisoka is scared to ask him to stay. Too scared. 

Hisoka pulls Illumi into another hug, desperately wanting to tell him everything yet unable to bring himself to.

“Hisoka, can you please eat, if you don’t I’ll kill you,” Illumi says, however not letting go of their hug.

“I can do that,” Hisoka’s voice is a little rough, wavering slightly, not due to tears but due to nerves. Illumi forces a takeout box into Hisoka’s hands and waits until he takes a few bites before starting to eat himself. 

“You worry me,” Illumi mutters. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. I just want you to be happy… And I never make you happy. I just make you angry and upset.” 

It felt so out of character for Illumi to say things like this, but in the moment, they are both vulnerable. Hisoka had opened up and Illumi wanted to care for him. They both are in situations of discomfort because neither were used to what they were doing. 

Hisoka doesn’t know how else to convey how wrong Illumi is, so he takes Illumi’s hand in his and presses a kiss to the back of his palm. Illumi’s eyes fill in an understanding and he gently squeezes Hisoka’s hand in return. 

“Illumi… When I walked in a few days ago when you had kicked me out… I was going to ask… Illumi, please,” Hisoka looks desperately into Illumi’s eyes. “Please don’t go back home. Please, stay here, with me.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST GOT BACK FROM VACATION
> 
> I was gone for a week which is why it's been so long since last update. Sooo the fic is almost ending, that's both sad and cool cause wow a lot of people have been supporting and much thanks for that!!! But sad cause this is the most effort and longest fic I've ever made. Don't worry though, I will definitely be writing more hisoillu. 
> 
> Comments are literally adored so uh... comment if you want, thank you.

Hisoka pulls up at Chrollo’s house, his face a little sunken but mostly hidden in his layer of makeup. The past few days had been really rough on him and his stress is through the roof. He gently knocks on Chrollo’s door before walking in.

“Hey, I’m here,” Hisoka calls, kicking off his shoes. No response. He rolls his eyes as he walks to the living room, Chrollo was often there reading and he could get immersed in books. When he gets into the living room however he’s bombarded by a “surprise” from many familiar voices. His eyes widen a little as his gaze flickers around the room, his friends filling the space. Even a few of his classmates. 

His birthday! It’s his birthday today! He completely forgot. Getting over his surprise, he smiles at the waiting crowd. His sullen mood lifted almost instantly. 

“Happy birthday, Hisoka,” Illumi says softly, pinning one of the stupid ‘birthday boy’ pins to his shirt. Hisoka watches his delicate fingers slip the needle through all too easily, having done similar motions for most of his life. 

“You guys really did this for me?” Hisoka muses, glancing up at the others. He is sure the joy is written in his eyes, despite being unable to fully express it.

“Of course we did Hisoka,” Gon rolls his eyes. “But wait 'til you see what Chrollo, Machi, and Illumi did for you. Everyone else’s gifts will be put to shame.” Gon whines slightly. 

Hisoka raises an eyebrow, shaking his head slightly. “I’m sure all your gifts are amazing,” he offers to Gon. And all their gifts will be, considering he didn’t expect any of this. 

“Come,” Illumi pulls him away from the crowd, down the hall towards Chrollo’s studio. No one else could see it, but he could, he can see Illumi’s pure excitement. Hisoka walks into the room, freezing at the door when he sees the masterpieces before him. 

In the center of the room, a beautiful painting of himself and Illumi is hoisted on an easel. Below sat gift bags and wrapped presents. Around the room sat mannequins bearing outfits made very clearly for himself. Hisoka’s eyes continue to trail over everything, his mouth opening and closing as for maybe the first time in his life, he’s left speechless. 

He can feel everyone behind him, waiting for a reaction. He feels tears come to his eyes but Hisoka refuses to let them fall. Then his gaze searches for Illumi. Illumi’s gaze is already watching, calculating, waiting. 

“So?” Gon presses finally at the silence. 

Hisoka smiles, turning around to face everyone. “Thank you,” he gives them his best performance look, the smooth voice, his personality that made people swoon. Hisoka wants them to know, to understand how much it means to him. 

“Alright let’s eat cake now!” Killua calls and the crowd leaves from the door slowly. Hisoka stays, however, Chrollo, Machi, and Illumi all staying with him. Hisoka has no idea how to give his thanks, they are making him seem like a king when in reality he is a nothing. 

“Do you like it?” Machi finally prompts and Hisoka gives her an astonished look. How could anyone not like this!? It’s… It’s so incredible. Once again, he let the performance attitude slide in, the attitude he had when he didn’t feel so… depressed. And right now, it feels like sadness doesn’t exist. He places his hands on his hips, letting a smirk break over his face.

“It’s fitting for me, isn’t it?” He says before walking through the outfits.

“The line is dedicated to you… It will be my first clothing line as my own designer, outside of the family’s name,” Illumi says and Hisoka snaps his gaze to Illumi’s.

Illumi is putting this much trust in his influence? These outfits are made to suit no other body… Of course, they could look good on anyone. But only Hisoka could truly make the outfit what it is supposed to be.

“I was hoping, you would model one for me,” Illumi continues.

Hisoka walks over to Illumi and pulls him into a kiss. Hisoka tries to put everything into that kiss. Trying to show Illumi all his thanks, everything he felt about the situation. Illumi smiles when he pulls away, one of the rarest expressions the man ever has. 

“Anything for you Hisoka,” Illumi says softly. “Now let’s get out there and eat cake.” 

***

It had to be the best birthday Hisoka has ever had. Spent with more people than any birthday before. Before he knew Gon, no one celebrated his birthday. No one cared to. Besides, he tended to dislike his birthday because it wasn’t his real birthday. The only one who knew when that was would be his mother, wherever she is. 

He and Illumi are curled up together, trying to appreciate their last moments before Illumi had to go home. 

Illumi agreed to stay with him like everyone said he would. But he had to go home first, talk it out with his family, including taking Killua back with him. His parents were more strict than Hisoka had first realized. Hisoka agreed to meet them, and take Gon too. In his mind he planned the situation in as many different ways as possible, wanting Illumi’s parents to let him live here.

But Hisoka knew, no matter what happens, he will have Illumi back in his arms. Even if his parents said no, their bond is unbreakable at this point. Something between them changed at the thought of actual separation. Separation that meant they couldn’t touch each other at a few minutes drive, that meant calling and praying for good connection to have conversation. No privacy in their relationship.

Their closeness became more appreciated between them both. 

“You should strip for me sometime,” Illumi suggests suddenly and Hisoka almost chokes on air.

“Oh?”

“It’s supposed to be enjoyable, right? And you dance. So you’d be good at it.”

“I cannot believe how nonchalant you say these things.”

Illumi’s gaze meets his, giving a confused look. “Am I not supposed to?”

Hisoka snorts and kisses his forehead. “You just do you, it’s one of the things I love about you.” Illumi hums in response and then buries his face into the crook of Hisoka’s neck. 

“So, will you strip for me?”

“After we get our nails done together,” Hisoka decides.

“You’ll take me to your nail salon?” Illumi pops up, seemingly excited. 

“I will take you to the nail salon,” Hisoka laughs lightly before trying to get Illumi to relax since he had been running around packing all day. Their last few moments together, up until they have to part, are spent touching the skin of the other to ensure they were both there.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the final chapter of Tattoos, and my apologies for those who don't like it, but it's mostly smut. There is a tender moment at the end. Thank you to all those who read and supported this fic, it truly means the world. My next Hisoillu fic is Guns and Roses and is up on my account. I also have a Pitokai fic up called Friends with Biology. Thanks again for supporting my work!
> 
> Your Moon, xoxo

Hisoka takes a deep breath, looking at himself in the mirror in the most luxurious bathroom. The master bedrooms bathroom. It had beautiful lighting, an old fashioned bathtub, a new bathtub with jets, and a huge shower with so many different settings. Illumi wouldn’t settle for anything less of course. 

Their house was just a tad bit big for two people. As in, balcony off their bedroom, bathroom for every bedroom, two offices, a room reserved for Hisoka’s dancing, kind of too big. Illumi wouldn’t settle for anything less. Considering the size of Illumi’s family home, this felt pretty calm. 

Hisoka’s makeup is done to impress, however, he is wearing black skinny jeans, a mesh shirt and some killer heels. His soulmate waiting just outside the door. Hisoka promised after they got their nails done together, Illumi didn’t forget. 

“Hisoka!” Illumi calls, impatience in his voice. 

It’s not that Hisoka didn’t want to strip for Illumi, he just feels like he may do a bad job. He sighs and opens the door, walking out into the bedroom. 

Illumi sits a little straighter, cross-legged on the end of the bed. His gaze stuck on Hisoka as Hisoka hooks his phone up to some speakers for music. 

“Don’t look so excited, I may disappoint,” Hisoka snorts, starting the song.

“You never disappoint,” Illumi hums and Hisoka sighs, allowing the performance to take over. He finds it surprisingly easy despite never having stripped before. Slipping into the music, it really is just like dancing. By the time the song is done, however, Hisoka is on top of Illumi, kissing him passionately. Pulling away briefly to yank off Illumi’s shirt. 

Hisoka had had sex with Illumi only once before when they had first got this house. He still knows Illumi’s body like the back of his hand. He knows exactly where to touch, where to kiss, where to bite or scratch. No one knew Illumi better than he did. 

He trails kisses gently down Illumi’s neck, the man arching his back underneath him. Hisoka smiles against his skin, fondling him through his pants. 

“Hisoka,” Illumi whines and Hisoka knows both of them are starting to pool with need. 

“You knew stripping was going to lead to this,” Hisoka accuses.

“And what if I did,” Illumi is looking up at him through his lashes, making a pit in Hisoka's abdomen. A new sense of want washing over him. Illumi below him has to be one of Hisoka's favourite things, and when Illumi looks like this? Well, nothing could be more perfect. 

Hisoka kisses him hungrily, eagerly pulling off Illumi’s pants, leaving him naked below him while Hisoka kisses all over his neck and chest. Illumi is letting out small noises, little sighs, quiet whimpers. Hisoka learned from last time that Illumi tried to hide how loud he could be, but Hisoka enjoys hearing it. 

He glances at Illumi’s face for permission before going to his member. “Excited?” Hisoka smirks, running a finger along it which causes Illumi to jolt.

“How could I not after that show?” Illumi huffs, interrupted by his own gasp as Hisoka takes his dick in his mouth. He knows exactly how to work Illumi, using a hand while his mouth takes the tip. Illumi squirming a little, one hand gripping sheets, the other gripping Hisoka’s hair. Hisoka doesn’t necessarily want to stop, but he doesn’t want to over stimulate Illumi either, so he pulls away before Illumi can finish. 

“Hisoka-” Illumi breathes, looking at him with droopy eyelids, his body shaking. “I’m not-”

“I know, my love,” Hisoka says softly, kissing him gently. He steps off the bed, leaving Illumi for a moment to strip off the rest of his clothes before grabbing the lube. Illumi watches him, the look on his face making Hisoka want to ravage him. But Hisoka also knew he’d have to build up to that, Illumi is too sensitive to try anything with yet.

He liked that about him though. Hisoka loves knowing that he’s the one who gets to work Illumi, the one who gets to build him up to trying new things. 

Hisoka takes some lube on his fingers and starts to work it into Illumi. He smiles a little when Illumi tries to hide his face with his hands, biting his forefinger on one hand while the other covers his eyes. 

“Illumi don’t do that,” Hisoka coos, sliding in a second finger which causes Illumi to make a noise. 

“It’s embarrassing,” Illumi says quietly, raising his hand a little to look at Hisoka. 

“No,” Hisoka moves so he’s overtop of Illumi. “I love it.” Illumi hesitantly moves his hands where one finds its way to the arm propping Hisoka above him, the other on his back.

“Okay,” Illumi says after a moment and Hisoka removes his fingers, replacing them with his dick. Illumi grips the places his hands found, nails digging into Hisoka's skin. Hisoka leans down, kissing him gently, wanting Illumi to relax. After a moment, Illumi’s grip loosens. 

“Are you okay?” Hisoka asks, looking over his beautiful soulmate. Illumi breathes a few times before nodding and Hisoka starts to move slowly. Illumi’s nails start to dig into him again and the Hisoka looks at the man below him. 

Illumi looks amazing, his face one of blissfulness, occasionally biting his lip. Hisoka takes his time to pick up his pace, living off the faces Illumi makes below him. Hisoka kisses him as he starts going faster, ramming into him to the point Illumi is whimpering beneath. 

“H-Hisoka,” Illumi manages out, eyelids fluttering a little. Hisoka smiles and then bites his lip, feeling himself coming close. The man below him shudders as he reaches his high and Hisoka feels a little bad as he goes for a little longer. The man below him now gasping from being overstimulated. Hisoka reaches his own and slides out, quickly kissing along Illumi’s chest and neck to help calm him down. Gently sucking on a spot on Illumi’s neck, knowing the man loves it. 

Both their chests are heaving, Illumi’s fingers sliding off him, hardly any strength left in their grip. Illumi let’s out a whine and Hisoka brings his kisses up to his lips, kissing him gently. Illumi kisses back, tugging at Hisoka's bottom lip. 

Hisoka pulls away and looks at his soulmate, he’s still panting slightly and his hands are a little weak, one resting on Hisoka’s cheek.

“Let’s clean you up,” Hisoka says softly, Illumi’s face scrunches up at that. Hisoka chuckles and stands up, motioning for Illumi to follow. Illumi is slow to follow and hisses a little when he stands, much to Hisoka’s amusement. 

Illumi glares at him, taking a few awkward steps into the bathroom, Hisoka laughs lightly and follows. They’re gentle with each other now, Hisoka giving Illumi kisses all over as they shower together, Illumi offering soft touches. 

Once back on the bed, Hisoka brushing through Illumi’s hair, Illumi speaks up.

“Next time… I don’t wanna stop after cumming once.”

“Hm,” the idea excites Hisoka and he nips at Illumi’s neck. 

“I know you could do more…” Illumi says slowly. “I want to too.”

“Then we will,” Hisoka says into his soulmates skin. “Only if you’re okay of course.”

“I will be,” he replies, determined. 

Hisoka continues on his hair, smiling at the man before him. Never could he have imagined one day they would be like this. Their own house, pursuing their careers happily, making love to each other whenever they pleased. Hisoka never could have imagined the feelings Illumi would put him through, and continues to every day.

“I love you Illumi,” Hisoka says suddenly, feeling overwhelmed. Illumi turns to him, smiling softly, reaching out to touch his cheek.

“I love you too, Hisoka.”


End file.
